Don't diss it until you try it. I guess that was my motto.
Maybe this is too personal, but I don't do a lot of cleaning up of my body hair. In the summer I try to keep up with the lower legs and the arm pits, but that's about it. I know that a lot of you ladies shave your bikini lines or even shave all of your pubic hair off, and some of you get it waxed off, sometimes regularly. I don't even have the excuse of having fine or light colored body hair, I just don't care enough.
But some of my women friends have said how losing that pubic hair can enhance sexual pleasure. This perked my ears a little, but I didn't do anything about it. I've stared down into my own bush with razor in hand wondering, "how the heck do you even DO this?" I've done some light touch ups with a razor, which gave me an awful prickly sensation just a few hours later. At some point I declared that I would never go down there with a razor ever again but would possibly think about waxing. With waxing you don't get the prickly sensation after.
Years went by...
Then my awesome friend announced she had a friend training in beauty school and was going to host a waxing party. I said I'd get my legs done and was interested in a bikini wax too. My friend also said she was going to try the bikini wax! Yay, well if she was going to do it, I was going to do it. And this was all going to be at a party too, fun for all!
We had a waxing party with three of us getting waxed and a couple on lookers telling us we were crazy. We started with the legs. Getting your legs waxed barely hurts. No problems there, the three of us got half-leg waxes and our legs were nice and smooth.
Then the nether regions were going to get done. And we aren't the kind of people to do this in privet, we closed the blinds, but this WAS a party after all, and we were new to this. A massage table was set up in the middle of the living room. My friend who arranged the whole party went first. I held her hand.
I could tell she was in a lot of pain, but there was also a lot of laughter and some drinks were going around too. Bikini waxing takes a bit, maybe even 30 mins, maybe more? There's a lot of hair down there. Finally my friend was done and it was my turn.
I went with the "landing strip" which means she clears all the hair except for a long rectangular strip of it in the center. The cosmetologist says that that's what she gets. She also told me she does it to her self. Holy crap. Now that, I could never do.
And then she started by trimming the extra long hairs. And then the real shit began. I was committed to getting through this. I kept saying that I had had a natural childbirth without a water tub, so this should be no problem.
I can only describe what happened to me as something close to consensual torture. Having the hair ripped from your crotch hurts A LOT, but only for a few seconds, then it hurts just a little for a long time. But these intense, few-second-long, torture times are frequent. More frequent than labor contractions, and at some point through it your not sure if the "prize" of a well manicured nether region is worth it. You start dreading every rip. Your neurotransmitters are going crazy in your head, you feel high, and then it's over.
I did it! I got my very first bikini wax! Woo! Then I had to go home to get some sleep. I had red spots all over my bikini area and was told that it was normal and would fade in a day or two. If that had really happened, I might have though this was worth it, but instead I got red spots that lasted for weeks, and I got several infected hair follicles that didn't fully heal for months. Basically it messed up my nether regions for a while.
Apparently I got the worst of it, my friends said they didn't have as much issues as I did. I must have more sensitive skin. Anyway, it made me not keen on the idea of ever doing it again.
And I noticed no difference in sexual pleasure either.
Hats off to you ladies who do this regularly. How you deal with the price and the pain is beyond me. I do hope that YOU like it and your not just doing it because you think someone else is going to like it. I can say that no one has ever looked at my untamed bush and gone, "I thought I liked you, but now that I see this, I'm getting out of here."
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What it's like to Have an Anxiety Disorder That Flares Up During PMS
It starts with a little thing like not being able to sleep very well one night. Your mind is racing and you can't turn off the thoughts. You remember that you have a pill to help you with this very thing, you take it, but part of you is like... "but my anxiety has been better since the beginning of October! Why am I taking a pill in mid-November? Am I a failure in recovery?" Because chances are if you have an anxiety disorder you have other issues going on with your self-esteem and your perfectionism and probably other things too.
Yes. You think that every time your anxiety gets better that it should be better... FOREVER... dammit. Right? I mean, I got through it before, I should be cured for life! The reality is that you will probably have it flare up here and there for life to varying degrees. It will hopefully not be debilitating like it was 10 years ago when you were sometimes afraid to leave your room, but it is there. Two good months and you think you've solved it all, and this is wrong.
Then one night while getting ready for work you have these terrible thoughts. Your husband and child are safely asleep in bed and you think, "what if my husband dies in his sleep and my son wakes up all alone and cries for hours and hours until I get home?" It's a ridiculous thought. Your husband is healthy, in fact he's probably above average in health, even regularly goes to the dentist and everything. But this thought just will not leave you. No matter how much you tell yourself that the chance of this happening is slim to none, you can't stop thinking about it. And you find yourself panicking and feeling like you will never be able to leave for work, in fact you will never work again, you will never be able to leave your child alone with anyone ever again. How will life go on?
You take your anti-anxiety pill again, because if you didn't, you would sob through work, you give yourself a little pep talk about the extreme health of your husband, and you go to work. While at work, you see a newborn baby crying on a commercial for like 3 seconds on TV and you cry because you can't pick up that baby and hold it and make it stop crying.
Then the next day after your son's nap, you bring him to the potty, to pee, because that is what he's done most days after nap for a while. But today he screams and refuses and he cries, but you feel determined, and you try again, and then you give up finally and put his diaper back on and he immediately pees in it. A normal reaction, would be "well I guess he wanted to go in his diaper, that's what they are there for after all." But this is not your reaction. Your reaction is to stomp out of the room and cry on the couch about how you have failed as a mother. How you must be confusing your child over the potty, how you have failed at elimination communication, how he will probably be in diapers for years, but how you just CAN'T IMAGINE handling diapers for even 6 more months.
Your husband, who is really a swell guy, tells you that you didn't fail, that you are actually doing a really good job, how you didn't fail at elimination communication, it helped prevent diaper rash after all. He probably should just say something like, "stop crying you crazy woman, you are amazing and you are way too hard on yourself! The kid is going to do what the kids is going to do, let's go to the park!" But he's a nice guy and would never say anything like that. At least not like that.
And then the next day your period starts, and then, and only then, for some silly reason, you realize that the last few crazy days were from your goddamn womanly hormonal changes. You realize that you don't always do all the things you did those last few days, you pretty much only do them a few days out of the month right before your period comes. And you think about charting it to actually prove it, but you'll forget by next week when you are feeling way better.
Yes. You think that every time your anxiety gets better that it should be better... FOREVER... dammit. Right? I mean, I got through it before, I should be cured for life! The reality is that you will probably have it flare up here and there for life to varying degrees. It will hopefully not be debilitating like it was 10 years ago when you were sometimes afraid to leave your room, but it is there. Two good months and you think you've solved it all, and this is wrong.
Then one night while getting ready for work you have these terrible thoughts. Your husband and child are safely asleep in bed and you think, "what if my husband dies in his sleep and my son wakes up all alone and cries for hours and hours until I get home?" It's a ridiculous thought. Your husband is healthy, in fact he's probably above average in health, even regularly goes to the dentist and everything. But this thought just will not leave you. No matter how much you tell yourself that the chance of this happening is slim to none, you can't stop thinking about it. And you find yourself panicking and feeling like you will never be able to leave for work, in fact you will never work again, you will never be able to leave your child alone with anyone ever again. How will life go on?
You take your anti-anxiety pill again, because if you didn't, you would sob through work, you give yourself a little pep talk about the extreme health of your husband, and you go to work. While at work, you see a newborn baby crying on a commercial for like 3 seconds on TV and you cry because you can't pick up that baby and hold it and make it stop crying.
Then the next day after your son's nap, you bring him to the potty, to pee, because that is what he's done most days after nap for a while. But today he screams and refuses and he cries, but you feel determined, and you try again, and then you give up finally and put his diaper back on and he immediately pees in it. A normal reaction, would be "well I guess he wanted to go in his diaper, that's what they are there for after all." But this is not your reaction. Your reaction is to stomp out of the room and cry on the couch about how you have failed as a mother. How you must be confusing your child over the potty, how you have failed at elimination communication, how he will probably be in diapers for years, but how you just CAN'T IMAGINE handling diapers for even 6 more months.
Your husband, who is really a swell guy, tells you that you didn't fail, that you are actually doing a really good job, how you didn't fail at elimination communication, it helped prevent diaper rash after all. He probably should just say something like, "stop crying you crazy woman, you are amazing and you are way too hard on yourself! The kid is going to do what the kids is going to do, let's go to the park!" But he's a nice guy and would never say anything like that. At least not like that.
And then the next day your period starts, and then, and only then, for some silly reason, you realize that the last few crazy days were from your goddamn womanly hormonal changes. You realize that you don't always do all the things you did those last few days, you pretty much only do them a few days out of the month right before your period comes. And you think about charting it to actually prove it, but you'll forget by next week when you are feeling way better.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I'm Bad With Clothes
So this anxiety dates way back to at least middle school when my clothes brought some unwanted teasing from my peers. Before age 11 I basically wore stuff to keep covered and warm, if I needed a shirt, I wore a shirt, I had no reason to care what was on the shirt or how the shirt fit. Suddenly after being teased about my lack of style or care for my clothing and some extreme pressure from people to "try to fit in, goddamn it Andrea, we are sick of you coming to the office with bullying complaints," I tried to *care* about what I wore.
And I failed. In stead, mostly on my own, I learned to not care what others thought of me, which is what the damn school counselors should have told me in the first place. It was a SLOW process, one that is still taking shape as I stand firm in my political and parenting beliefs and try to not take crap from people who don't agree with me. Luckily I have found some allies. Its hard being the only one.
Every once in a while in high school and college I would feel like I found a style of wardrobe, but mostly jeans and sweaters and tees were good enough. Eventually I did find a love for skirts in the summer, figured out exactly which shoes I would actually wear, and made less bad purchases.
Then I got pregnant. And I HATED maternity wear. You know what maternity wear was for me? It was basically, "doesn't fit your ass or boobs wear." Apparently maternity wear makers don't fit people like me, I found one pair of capris that would stay up. Maternity pants were basically a joke, I did better wearing my pre-pregnancy pants with a Bella Band, but that was still not so great. I was previously excited about cute maternity tops that fit below the breasts and accentuate your growing belly, but I found that anything "cute" wasn't cut big enough in the breasts to fit me properly (I got up to a 40DD during pregnancy). And often tops that fit my shoulders wouldn't make it all the way over my boobs and belly. I was simply bigger in the boobs and belly than my frame was telling the clothing manufacturers I was.
The one thing that did usually work were the maternity dresses. Next time around I'm skipping pants all together, maternity pants were just not meant for me. I never bought maternity underwear and I'm still confused about it, I did, however, stretch all my underwear out, so I'm definitely going to buy a few pairs of larger underwear next time. You get bigger, but your belly really doesn't effect the underwear area, I'm convinced that maternity underwear is a scam.
So that was my crazy maternity wear experience.
Then I gave birth. And I SHRANK! Holy crap did I shrink. They told me to buy nursing bras in my 8th month of pregnancy... so WRONG. I bought a couple 40DD nursing bras that were way too loose on me by 2 or 3 months post partum. I say don't even worry about wearing a bra until you are 3 months post partum, then go bra shopping at that point. Or get cheap "sport" bras from target that actually don't have enough support for sport. I pretty much wore only those for the first year of my son's life. I hated dealing with the clasp on the nursing bra anyway and often didn't even use it, just slipped my boob out when needed. Personally, I think nursing bras could be skipped, though do stay away from under wire bras, which can lower milk supply. Nursing bras are definitely NOT a must have; which I wish someone would have told me while I was pregnant, because I stressed about it too much, having some interesting experiences in changing rooms while very emotional.
And don't even get me started on nursing tops, just skip them, they are stupid and you won't even use them properly, you'll just yank them up to get the baby food ASAP.
So there you have it, a woman who loves breastfeeding but who hates the stupid nursing bras and tops.
Then I kept shrinking, ending up at a size 8 (10 in most dresses), when before pregnancy I was a size 12. This also means that I went from a size large shirt to a size medium, which was the first time I had the experience of my tops being too roomy (big boobs since age 18 or so). There are only a handful of things that really fit me properly from my pre-pregnancy days.
I really am starting over. And this is causing me too much stress. I did buy some tee-shirts this summer, and a few pairs of pants that fit right and a few other things, but really I need more. All of my sweaters are dumpy on me now. I have one skirt that fits, no casual dresses, one pair of shorts, one pair of capris. And I really only have one good fitting bra.
I'm also probably going to get pregnant again in the next 6-12 months, and then who knows where my body will be when I stop losing weight from breastfeeding that baby. And what will happen when I'm all done with breastfeeding forever? I'll probably be in my mid thirties and maybe my metabolism will slow down more and I'll gain some weight back. I guess I can just buy more clothes if this all happens. I need to not worry so much about the future shape of my body and I should work on fitting clothes for the shape of me now.
So what to buy? I want to keep it minimal, but I want enough, and I want the pieces to be inter-changeable, but still look nice and be able to be dressed up or down. Part of me is excited too, but I feel this freeze response kicking in and I'm wondering if I'll be able to actually go shop and spend.
My plan is to make a list of items I need and then to just get it done, once this winter and once this spring, BAM, new wardrobe. The list will be a little hard for me. My plan is to look nicer with less clothes, not an easy feat. But I think I'm finally willing to spend a bit more for quality items. I may hide a few rattier items in the basement for while the next baby is spitting up a lot (don't wear nice clothes while you have an infant). But I'm still unwilling to do dry cleaning, so I have to avoid that.
Alright I'll keep you posted!
And I failed. In stead, mostly on my own, I learned to not care what others thought of me, which is what the damn school counselors should have told me in the first place. It was a SLOW process, one that is still taking shape as I stand firm in my political and parenting beliefs and try to not take crap from people who don't agree with me. Luckily I have found some allies. Its hard being the only one.
Every once in a while in high school and college I would feel like I found a style of wardrobe, but mostly jeans and sweaters and tees were good enough. Eventually I did find a love for skirts in the summer, figured out exactly which shoes I would actually wear, and made less bad purchases.
Then I got pregnant. And I HATED maternity wear. You know what maternity wear was for me? It was basically, "doesn't fit your ass or boobs wear." Apparently maternity wear makers don't fit people like me, I found one pair of capris that would stay up. Maternity pants were basically a joke, I did better wearing my pre-pregnancy pants with a Bella Band, but that was still not so great. I was previously excited about cute maternity tops that fit below the breasts and accentuate your growing belly, but I found that anything "cute" wasn't cut big enough in the breasts to fit me properly (I got up to a 40DD during pregnancy). And often tops that fit my shoulders wouldn't make it all the way over my boobs and belly. I was simply bigger in the boobs and belly than my frame was telling the clothing manufacturers I was.
The one thing that did usually work were the maternity dresses. Next time around I'm skipping pants all together, maternity pants were just not meant for me. I never bought maternity underwear and I'm still confused about it, I did, however, stretch all my underwear out, so I'm definitely going to buy a few pairs of larger underwear next time. You get bigger, but your belly really doesn't effect the underwear area, I'm convinced that maternity underwear is a scam.
So that was my crazy maternity wear experience.
Then I gave birth. And I SHRANK! Holy crap did I shrink. They told me to buy nursing bras in my 8th month of pregnancy... so WRONG. I bought a couple 40DD nursing bras that were way too loose on me by 2 or 3 months post partum. I say don't even worry about wearing a bra until you are 3 months post partum, then go bra shopping at that point. Or get cheap "sport" bras from target that actually don't have enough support for sport. I pretty much wore only those for the first year of my son's life. I hated dealing with the clasp on the nursing bra anyway and often didn't even use it, just slipped my boob out when needed. Personally, I think nursing bras could be skipped, though do stay away from under wire bras, which can lower milk supply. Nursing bras are definitely NOT a must have; which I wish someone would have told me while I was pregnant, because I stressed about it too much, having some interesting experiences in changing rooms while very emotional.
And don't even get me started on nursing tops, just skip them, they are stupid and you won't even use them properly, you'll just yank them up to get the baby food ASAP.
So there you have it, a woman who loves breastfeeding but who hates the stupid nursing bras and tops.
Then I kept shrinking, ending up at a size 8 (10 in most dresses), when before pregnancy I was a size 12. This also means that I went from a size large shirt to a size medium, which was the first time I had the experience of my tops being too roomy (big boobs since age 18 or so). There are only a handful of things that really fit me properly from my pre-pregnancy days.
I really am starting over. And this is causing me too much stress. I did buy some tee-shirts this summer, and a few pairs of pants that fit right and a few other things, but really I need more. All of my sweaters are dumpy on me now. I have one skirt that fits, no casual dresses, one pair of shorts, one pair of capris. And I really only have one good fitting bra.
I'm also probably going to get pregnant again in the next 6-12 months, and then who knows where my body will be when I stop losing weight from breastfeeding that baby. And what will happen when I'm all done with breastfeeding forever? I'll probably be in my mid thirties and maybe my metabolism will slow down more and I'll gain some weight back. I guess I can just buy more clothes if this all happens. I need to not worry so much about the future shape of my body and I should work on fitting clothes for the shape of me now.
So what to buy? I want to keep it minimal, but I want enough, and I want the pieces to be inter-changeable, but still look nice and be able to be dressed up or down. Part of me is excited too, but I feel this freeze response kicking in and I'm wondering if I'll be able to actually go shop and spend.
My plan is to make a list of items I need and then to just get it done, once this winter and once this spring, BAM, new wardrobe. The list will be a little hard for me. My plan is to look nicer with less clothes, not an easy feat. But I think I'm finally willing to spend a bit more for quality items. I may hide a few rattier items in the basement for while the next baby is spitting up a lot (don't wear nice clothes while you have an infant). But I'm still unwilling to do dry cleaning, so I have to avoid that.
Alright I'll keep you posted!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Minimizing Life, Bathroom Episode!
I'm on a quest to minimalistic living. I'd like to call my quest Minimalism with a Twist. I call it that because the minimalist web logs and pages I've visited that show pictures of their homes look WAY too empty. I don't want empty, I just want everything to have a place and for everything to have a purpose, even if the purpose is just to look pretty on the wall.
I don't want to own clothes I don't wear, or books I don't read or toiletries I don't use. I want to use up what I do have, enjoy what I have right now, and get rid of anything I don't like or that I don't use.
I started with the bathroom. I really should have gotten before pictures, but I didn't. I threw out anything that was expired, old, un-useful to me, or redundant (I don't need that many little bottles of lotion, just a couple. I got rid of a few more towels (I had previously ditched quite a few).
I'm working on our 2nd bedroom that is actually an extension of our living room, which we call "the study" which is actually more of a playroom and reading area.
I don't want to own clothes I don't wear, or books I don't read or toiletries I don't use. I want to use up what I do have, enjoy what I have right now, and get rid of anything I don't like or that I don't use.
I started with the bathroom. I really should have gotten before pictures, but I didn't. I threw out anything that was expired, old, un-useful to me, or redundant (I don't need that many little bottles of lotion, just a couple. I got rid of a few more towels (I had previously ditched quite a few).
Here is the sink. The medicine cabinet is fairly full, but with stuff we use. There's only hand soap, lotion, cotton rounds, and toothbrushes on the vanity. Everything else found a place in the cabinet uncluttered.
Here's the area I could declutter more, but it's fine for now. Towels and extra TP, and various other things that don't fit nicely into the medicine cabinet. The bag with the orange handle and zipper on the left contains the only make-up I own, the green one behind it has all my nail care stuff.
By the toilet. Just a small trash can, a scale, a potty insert for the toddler, and one box of tub toys.
Under the sink. A few cleaning supplies, a couple travel toiletry bags, some extra soaps, my hair dryer, and I even had room to fit the extra cat litter and the plunger and toilet brush... out of sight, out of mind, and unavailable to the toddler.
Three towels hanging, one for each family member, though there is another on the door, and the kitty litter box with nothing else next to it, so nothing else will get full of kitty litter!!
I should say that my tub has a tension pole shower caddy that holds everything one would need for a bath or shower. I moved some stuff there that I forgot I had, so now it is easily accessible for use during my next bath.
I'm working on our 2nd bedroom that is actually an extension of our living room, which we call "the study" which is actually more of a playroom and reading area.
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