I'm just going to do a numbered list:
1. For a while now when I eat anything with a good amount of sugar in it I feel mildly sick. This can't be good. I often half the sugar in any recipe I am making and to me it tastes just fine.
2. I have twenty pounds of baby fat remaining and I have an 11-month-old baby. By this time with my first baby I was 12 pounds LESS than at the start of his pregnancy. Something isn't working.
3. I have been going pretty religiously to the gym 3 times a week for 2.5 months and still no weight loss, no real inches lost, a little toner, but again, something isn't working.
4. Might as well go all out. I often regret eating sugar these days, not from guilt or anything, but I physically feel awful after I eat it. I just want to try life without ANY sugar at all.
5. I am sick of all the diet "experts" out there promoting certain ways of eating over others, when my gut feeling (ha, literally!) is that sugar is the biggest culprit for obesity and poor health, with lack of exercise probably actually being the biggest culprit. But sugar is at least a close second.
6. You do NOT need sugar. I don't care if it's raw sugar, honey from honey bees, agave syrup, maple syrup tapped from your own friggn' maple trees, there is little nutritional value to any of that stuff. No vitamins, no fiber, nothing good.
7. Since getting my CSA I have discovered so many fruits and veggies from Mother Nature that are as sweet as any dessert and I have found they make me feel way less like I am going to die because they have nutritional value to them like fiber and vitamins. Cut up a sweet potato and roast it in olive oil and a little salt and pepper, it's amazing.
8. I don't feel like I will be depriving myself. I'm just kind of getting sick of sugar. I like so many different foods, I'm not a picky eater. I really think it won't be too hard. The hardest part will be eating out and not knowing what is in the food possibly, but I think I can make smart choices and avoid most of it.
9. I feel slightly addicted to sugar. Not really though. I know there are people out there who actually struggle with food addictions and eating disorders and I do not want to claim to know what they are struggling with, but I find once the sugar rush drops I want to seek out more, and then later more.
10. I am curious what cutting out sugar and changing my diet in no other way will do. Aren't you? Will I lose weight? Will I sleep better? Will I get fewer migraines? I don't know! I can't find out unless I try. And absolutely no artificial sweeteners will be included. Those have been shown to make you like sweet things more and then you end up eating more sugar anyway. So what's the point?
11. Why not? This really can't hurt. Humans can live without sugar.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Blast from 2011, Rant at nearly 39 weeks pregnant
Well
here we are again folks. I cannot sleep. I tried for a couple hours
and then got super hungry and when you are pregnant, hunger pains just
aren't something you can get over and go to sleep on. So I made some
toast and some tea. I was actually feeling pretty nuts, but maybe it
was just hunger. I can get really irritable and crabby when hungry and
sometimes that's the first sign.
My poor husband, I feel like saying horrible things to him sometimes. Well, I feel like saying horrible things to a lot of people these days, but so far, not much has come out. If this were PMS I would know my period was coming ANY DAY NOW. So maybe this means baby will be here any day now, but honestly, I feel so insane, I want him to stay in a few more days. I really don't feel like I could handle labor or caring for an infant right now.
Now I feel very awake! Restless, irritable energy. Not like the nice "nesting instinct" I'm supposed to feel. I haven't felt much of that besides a growing hatred for our futon couch. I hate that couch right now, maybe it used to be comfy, but it's not when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy, it is an awful thing.
I don't think I'll make it to work tomorrow, and that's OK. Ooh, contraction, I recognize them now, but they remain pretty mild and have no pattern and pretty much go away if I lay down. Actually baby and labor have yet to wake me up. Some women say their fetus will kick them awake, I guess I am lucky. Besides this week, pregnancy hasn't interrupted my sleep much more than planning the wedding did. If I were to guess just from how he's acted in the womb, I'd say I have an easy temperament baby boy on my hands, but I will try not to get my hopes up.
For what it's worth, Brent has done an excellent job of keeping up with the yard work and cleaning and getting bills paid and going grocery shopping, all activities I have been ignoring for some time. Our plants, on the other hand, well, they didn't survive the pregnancy. I didn't care, and I'm not sure if Brent knows how house plants work. :) Oh, he's also taken on all animal care duties, for a while I was in charge of feeding the rabbit, but I passed the torch after forgetting a few too many times (not in a row, don't worry, bunny is fine).
I did however build two IKEA items on my own, assembled the co-sleeper, and organized all the baby stuff.
My poor husband, I feel like saying horrible things to him sometimes. Well, I feel like saying horrible things to a lot of people these days, but so far, not much has come out. If this were PMS I would know my period was coming ANY DAY NOW. So maybe this means baby will be here any day now, but honestly, I feel so insane, I want him to stay in a few more days. I really don't feel like I could handle labor or caring for an infant right now.
Now I feel very awake! Restless, irritable energy. Not like the nice "nesting instinct" I'm supposed to feel. I haven't felt much of that besides a growing hatred for our futon couch. I hate that couch right now, maybe it used to be comfy, but it's not when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy, it is an awful thing.
I don't think I'll make it to work tomorrow, and that's OK. Ooh, contraction, I recognize them now, but they remain pretty mild and have no pattern and pretty much go away if I lay down. Actually baby and labor have yet to wake me up. Some women say their fetus will kick them awake, I guess I am lucky. Besides this week, pregnancy hasn't interrupted my sleep much more than planning the wedding did. If I were to guess just from how he's acted in the womb, I'd say I have an easy temperament baby boy on my hands, but I will try not to get my hopes up.
For what it's worth, Brent has done an excellent job of keeping up with the yard work and cleaning and getting bills paid and going grocery shopping, all activities I have been ignoring for some time. Our plants, on the other hand, well, they didn't survive the pregnancy. I didn't care, and I'm not sure if Brent knows how house plants work. :) Oh, he's also taken on all animal care duties, for a while I was in charge of feeding the rabbit, but I passed the torch after forgetting a few too many times (not in a row, don't worry, bunny is fine).
I did however build two IKEA items on my own, assembled the co-sleeper, and organized all the baby stuff.
And if one
more fucking person asks me when I am due, who should goddamn well know
when I am fucking due by now, I'm going to explode. JUNE, FUCKING,
FIFTH!
And people look at me like I'm a walking time bomb! I apparently look SUPER pregnant, because, well, I am. And if I see ONE more ad with a pregnant woman with a belly that has no stretch marks or blemishes or hair on it, I'm going to freak! Thank you society for giving me a totally unrealistic view of what a pregnant belly looks like. THEY LOOK DISGUSTING BY THE WAY! I have hanging skin folds on the bottom of my bump and then horribly stretched out skin over the rest of it. Now, how the heck does that even happen? How can some skin get loose and some skin get tight, why didn't you work together and even this shit out?
I just know I will end up with a big roll of skin hanging down and getting caught in my pants zipper for the rest of time. [Didn't happen] Never have I seen anything like what my belly looks like right now, nothing outside of a horror film.
And people look at me like I'm a walking time bomb! I apparently look SUPER pregnant, because, well, I am. And if I see ONE more ad with a pregnant woman with a belly that has no stretch marks or blemishes or hair on it, I'm going to freak! Thank you society for giving me a totally unrealistic view of what a pregnant belly looks like. THEY LOOK DISGUSTING BY THE WAY! I have hanging skin folds on the bottom of my bump and then horribly stretched out skin over the rest of it. Now, how the heck does that even happen? How can some skin get loose and some skin get tight, why didn't you work together and even this shit out?
I just know I will end up with a big roll of skin hanging down and getting caught in my pants zipper for the rest of time. [Didn't happen] Never have I seen anything like what my belly looks like right now, nothing outside of a horror film.
I think it might be that everyone loves the
baby more than me right now. And my therapist is on fucking vacation
for Memorial Day weekend, just like, you guessed it, my family. I
really would like nothing more than to trade places with someone for a
good week.
I just want someone to say, "Andrea, it sucks to be this pregnant, you have every right to feel horrible and hate everyone, I'm impressed that you mostly kept your cool until week 38, that's amazing, I would have checked myself into the psyche ward long ago. And not once did you have a drink or take a Klonapin, you did this whole pregnancy on Tylenol (some Advil), antacids, caffeine, a few Unisom, and one course of amoxacilin. Not one psyche med, not one mind altering substance, unless you count caffeine. You even avoided the tea with kava in it! And with no complications! You will do great!"
Instead I feel like I've gotten dire warnings just about every step of the way. Hello, acknowledge me and the amazing feat I performed! I grew a life inside of me! I didn't kill it even once! And somehow with 50 pounds gained, I'm still in good health and baby doesn't feel huge. I can still get in a 20-30 minute walk before I really need to sit, and my back feels fine most of the time.
But the psychological toll this is taking right now, is... big. I warned Brent that this won't be over anytime soon. I'll be trading these problems for a whole new set. I have to get a handle on these ones first. Or at least a smidgeon of a handle so I'm not loaded with a whole new set before I've figured out the first set.
At least I can recognize crazy, or the heading towards crazy. I wish more people understood that these are all feelings and have no rational basis simply because they are feelings. I so don't believe one can change how they feel just by rationally thinking about it. Feelings are gotten over by letting them be felt and I so hope I can teach my son that his feelings are ok even if they make no sense. I hope to never shush his tears or tell him he shouldn't be angry. I hope he never fears what my reaction will be. I hope he can tell me everything and always feel support from me. I hope he never feels pressured to change anything about himself. I hope he never feels that my love is conditional.
I just want someone to say, "Andrea, it sucks to be this pregnant, you have every right to feel horrible and hate everyone, I'm impressed that you mostly kept your cool until week 38, that's amazing, I would have checked myself into the psyche ward long ago. And not once did you have a drink or take a Klonapin, you did this whole pregnancy on Tylenol (some Advil), antacids, caffeine, a few Unisom, and one course of amoxacilin. Not one psyche med, not one mind altering substance, unless you count caffeine. You even avoided the tea with kava in it! And with no complications! You will do great!"
Instead I feel like I've gotten dire warnings just about every step of the way. Hello, acknowledge me and the amazing feat I performed! I grew a life inside of me! I didn't kill it even once! And somehow with 50 pounds gained, I'm still in good health and baby doesn't feel huge. I can still get in a 20-30 minute walk before I really need to sit, and my back feels fine most of the time.
But the psychological toll this is taking right now, is... big. I warned Brent that this won't be over anytime soon. I'll be trading these problems for a whole new set. I have to get a handle on these ones first. Or at least a smidgeon of a handle so I'm not loaded with a whole new set before I've figured out the first set.
At least I can recognize crazy, or the heading towards crazy. I wish more people understood that these are all feelings and have no rational basis simply because they are feelings. I so don't believe one can change how they feel just by rationally thinking about it. Feelings are gotten over by letting them be felt and I so hope I can teach my son that his feelings are ok even if they make no sense. I hope to never shush his tears or tell him he shouldn't be angry. I hope he never fears what my reaction will be. I hope he can tell me everything and always feel support from me. I hope he never feels pressured to change anything about himself. I hope he never feels that my love is conditional.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The Crap That Follows You
I've been pretty honest about how crazy my last relationship was. Stuck with that dude for nearly 4 effing years. Whatever, I'm kind of a determined fucking person who DOES NOT GIVE UP ON PEOPLE! Not until they have really dragged me through the dirt and I suddenly have to protect myself (Ok, I guess I'm never going to get a normal family going with this one...). Seriously, you have to really be a total dick for me to finally give up and leave your ass. I keep thinking you will change and suddenly start treating me right.
Luckily my husband has treated me right from the start... shocking! To me it was.
Anyway... many years ago I lived with this dude. We shared an apartment for THREE effing years. Again, I'm a determined little bugger who does not let go of things.
We shared a computer... my computer. He was, for whatever reason, really into buying music from iTunes. Something I have never done. I use iTunes to play music, but BUY music through iTunes.. no. Ew.
So I have all these... for lack of a better word, "links" to his music on my computer. I can't listen to them anymore, because they somehow followed me to a new computer I bought with my husband a few years ago. So they needed to be reauthorized by iTunes with a password. A password I don't have and would be wrong of me to use anyway.
We have since then bought a whole OTHER new computer, and they have followed me to that one too. These links to HIS music.
I don't even hate his music. I even like some of his music. But I can't play it, it just follows me as this reminder of the guy I used to live with (ha ha, no you can't play that song, because you dumped that guy, remember??). And finally, it is bugging the shit out of me. I NEED to get rid of these links to HIM. I have moved on with my life goddamnit. I turned the last of his T-shirts he never picked up into a rug.
But there doesn't seem to be an easy way to do this. And I swear I tried this once before a few years ago.
People who grew up before iTunes don't have this problem. Does anyone else have this problem? I fear I am the only one with this very weird problem.
Currently sorting through my song list by artist looking for his music to delete it.
Luckily my husband has treated me right from the start... shocking! To me it was.
Anyway... many years ago I lived with this dude. We shared an apartment for THREE effing years. Again, I'm a determined little bugger who does not let go of things.
We shared a computer... my computer. He was, for whatever reason, really into buying music from iTunes. Something I have never done. I use iTunes to play music, but BUY music through iTunes.. no. Ew.
So I have all these... for lack of a better word, "links" to his music on my computer. I can't listen to them anymore, because they somehow followed me to a new computer I bought with my husband a few years ago. So they needed to be reauthorized by iTunes with a password. A password I don't have and would be wrong of me to use anyway.
We have since then bought a whole OTHER new computer, and they have followed me to that one too. These links to HIS music.
I don't even hate his music. I even like some of his music. But I can't play it, it just follows me as this reminder of the guy I used to live with (ha ha, no you can't play that song, because you dumped that guy, remember??). And finally, it is bugging the shit out of me. I NEED to get rid of these links to HIM. I have moved on with my life goddamnit. I turned the last of his T-shirts he never picked up into a rug.
But there doesn't seem to be an easy way to do this. And I swear I tried this once before a few years ago.
People who grew up before iTunes don't have this problem. Does anyone else have this problem? I fear I am the only one with this very weird problem.
Currently sorting through my song list by artist looking for his music to delete it.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Things I Wish I knew at 20.
I'm turning thirty in a little over 2 weeks! I'm actually very excited. Good riddence to those 20s. The 20s suck I think because you think you know everything by age 20, but as the 20s go on you realise that you don't know shit. So if you are 20 or 21 or so I'm going to give you a few peices of knowledge I wish I had known.
1. Your Happiness is Dependant on You, nothing else.
I was one of those people that thought things like, "once I'm thin, I'll be happy, once I have a boyfriend/husband I'll be happy, once I have a job I'll be happy, once I have a baby, I'll finally be happy." Well, I got thin, I got a husband (and a pretty good one too), I got a job that paid enough, I even got a baby eventually, and you know what, NONE of these things actually influenced my overall happiness that much. It sure helped that I had a supportive husband to come home too, but it didn't actually fundamentally change me.
I'm someone who has to work really hard to be happy. It does not come naturally to me. It is something I have to think about... a lot. It is something I have to prioritize. It is something I had to research and invest time into. And it has very little to do with the actual events in my life. The moment my son was born, I was extremely happy... and then I proceeded to have the most unhappy four months of my life immediately after.
If you are looking for some life event to "solve" your issues, it isn't going to happen. Which brings me to point number 2.
2. The hardest things in life will usually bring the greatest growth and reward.
Let me say that this works to a point. I do not beleive the phrase, "what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger," That's like saying that if soemthing leave you weaker, you might as well have died. That's horrible. I have been through things in my life that did not make me stronger, they left deep wounds that I slowly am healing from. I may have learned some things from them, mostly learned what to avoid and what not to do, but I don't beleive they made me much of a better person.
What I'm talking about is that it would be wise to put yourself in situations that push you to the limits sometimes. The next time you think, "that sounds too hard," maybe you should try it. If you get through it, or reach your goal, or even try something new, you will grow as a person. If you sit around doing only what you know you are good at and what is easy, you will not grow, you will not experience a very fulfilling life.
Some of the hardest stuff I have done has been my work in my own therapy. But I came out through the other end a much better person, a much happier person, a much calmer person.
There are no quick fixes in life. At least none that don't have some pretty bad consequences.
I'd say the hardest things I've done in my life in particular order are:
1. EMDR Therapy
2. Carrying to term and naturally birthing my son.
3. Travelling solo in Thailand and France
4. Completing my college degree.
5. Losing nearly 50 pounds of weight healthily.
6. Leaving a really messed up realtionship and finding new love.
7. Sucessfully breastfeeding my child for 20 months and counting.
8. Partening my child the way I know is best.
9. Planning my entire wedding and actually going through with the marriage.
10. Overcoming the need (99% of the time) for psychoactive meds.
The above list was very hard, but brought me incredible rewards and feelings of empowerment and strength. A lot of it took large leaps of faith. I had to have faith that things would be OK. There are no guarantees in life. These are just a list of things that were mostly sucessful too. I have failed at many things too. Or not quite gotten what I want out of something, but in no way was the journey not worth it. Which brings me to a note about journeys..
3. Positivity will benefit you greatly.
I used to be very anxious, and when I am stressed or tired, or recovering from my overnight job, my anxiety flares up like crazy and I worry about lots of things. I'm a very future focused person, always thinking of things I could do in the future. I've come to learn that enjoying the journey and seeing what you have now is really wonderful. I'm now very negative about negativity.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to hear about your problems. But there is a difference between talking about the troubles in your life and simply complaining about every red light you come to. Tell me about how hard parenting is, even specifically, stop telling me how annoying your kids are. They are kids, yours are no more crazy than the next pair, kids are insane because they have insane underdeveloped kid brains. This is why we drink coffee and wine and support each other by saying things like, "your kid is normal, and yes it sucks sometimes." Did you really think this was going to be easy??
You will feel much better if you try to change your attitude a bit. I used to think attitude was bullshit and just felt like a victim. All these people were doing things to me! Well, now I don't feel like a victim, even when my car was broken into and my GPS unit stolen, I felt a little shocked and insecure, but I knew the window could get fixed, the GPS was cheap and probably whoever stole it needed it more than me. It doesn't make it right, but I was able to stay calm and didn't let it bother me. In fact it was kind of fun recruiting my coworkers to attempt to tape a plastic bag over my window during a blizzard. It was hard, but we did it! Overall not such a bad experience!
Anytime there is struggle there is something to be learned from it, something to build your character. If you look for these things, things will go way smoother.
I have spent many late nights calming my crying child thinking about how I am helping his neural pathways find joy more easily by simply holding him and rocking him. I've thought about how I am planting the seeds for an easier, happier kid in the future. How I will learn to fuction on less sleep and get creative with naps and sleep schedules.
Now when I am up at 2 am unable to sleep and my kid is sleeping I try to enjoy the alone time, instead of worry about the sleep I'm not getting. We don't have much control over what happened in the past or what will happen in the future, but we do have control over how we perceive the present. Enjoy the ride of life, for godssake!
4. People are just as, if not more, messed up as you.
I used to think I was basically insane. Then I met other "insane" people and I thought they were alright, then I calmed down a bit and kept running into more and more people that just seemed to not have their shit together. Everywhere, thousands of people without their shit together, all of them with some major problem in their life, many of them taking antidepressants, or smoking cigarettes, or sleeping around, or remaining in dysfunctional relationships. After a while I began to think, "where are the sane people?" And the people I thought of as sane I also thought were pretty boring. They certainly didn't have the most interesting stories to tell.
Turns out most of us are a bit messed up. I have eyed a few pretty together people, my husband for instance (though he might disagree). I have a couple close friends I think are pretty level headed and together. The one thing they have in common is that they decided long ago that they didn't want to be like other people they saw. They wanted to be "sane." I have often asked my husband, "why is it that you never yell or really get that upset? You rarely complain and never say anything mean?" He says simply, "that's not who I want to be." He made a concious effort sometime before we started dating to NOT be like that, to be calm and collected. These people are huge inspirations.
I also get a long well with those that totaly own up to their craziness. I can pretty much deal with any crazy as long as the person is aware of it and is all like, "oh crap there I go with my crazy again, oops."
What I can't deal with is the insane that think they have their shit together. Especially those that seem to think they can do no wrong and constantly defend themselves by basically saying, "well this is who I am, take it or leave it." Ironically these are usually the people that would be able to handle your abandoment the least. These people rarely apologise.
I remember early in my career getting hit by one of the clients I was working with. A few minutes later he said, "I'm sorry, Andrea." I almost started crying. I wanted to say, "a lot of people have hurt me in my life, but done have apologized as quickly as you did." I of course accepted his apology and had to accept him as well. Which brings me to my next point...
5. Acceptance is a huge relief.
I think if we all just accepted our lives the way they are now and accepted our family for who they are now and accepted the world, we would all be a lot happier. I used to think acceptance was just rolling over and taking whatever shit was thrown your way, but now I realise I can still fight for my rights and also accept that I may not have all the rights I want right now.
I have often found myself saying to my husband when we talk about our life that these early parenting years are simply going to be years of not having much money and not having much time. They are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. It has helped me greatly to think about myself in politics as a small peice of a large puzzle that won't be finished for thousands of years. I'm a socialist, so the bottom line is that I want to get rid of the capitalist system. That' really the ONE thing I am fightly for. But OMG, that is one HUGE thing. One thing I cannot do on my own, in fact one thing I probably have very little influence on at all. That doesn't mean I don't participate. I think too many people don't participate in things like politics because they want quick results, and this stuff is not quick. At least not the good stuff like getting everyone affordable health care.
Sorry to say it to the folks that love them some capitalism... capitalism is a temporary state that will end someday, in fact it's only really been around a few hundred years. I don't know what will come next, but I know something will, it might be better or it might be worse. I hope better, but I might not get to see any real change in my lifetime. I can accept that, but still participate. I have been part of strong movements that have completely failed. It doesn't mean the flight was not a good one. There are no garantees for the good guys to win, in fact the odds are often heavily stacked in favor of the bad guys. And the history books are often written by the winners.
Anyway, you don't have to be a socialist to accept things. This is just my huge acceptance example.
I have found that I am thinking less and less about things being pleasent or unpleasent, and more that aweing at their existance. I think I'm a pretty unique indivdual and I used to really look at my good and bad qualities and now I try to just be in awe of all my qualities and accept them as they are. If I accept them, then they ones I want to change are easier to over come. Even capitalism, which I hate, is a sight to behold. Have my husband try to explain how he invests in the stock market to see the craziness of it. That stock market crap is INSANE and almost ungraspable to me cognitively. Isn't this why people stare at train wrecks?
1. Your Happiness is Dependant on You, nothing else.
I was one of those people that thought things like, "once I'm thin, I'll be happy, once I have a boyfriend/husband I'll be happy, once I have a job I'll be happy, once I have a baby, I'll finally be happy." Well, I got thin, I got a husband (and a pretty good one too), I got a job that paid enough, I even got a baby eventually, and you know what, NONE of these things actually influenced my overall happiness that much. It sure helped that I had a supportive husband to come home too, but it didn't actually fundamentally change me.
I'm someone who has to work really hard to be happy. It does not come naturally to me. It is something I have to think about... a lot. It is something I have to prioritize. It is something I had to research and invest time into. And it has very little to do with the actual events in my life. The moment my son was born, I was extremely happy... and then I proceeded to have the most unhappy four months of my life immediately after.
If you are looking for some life event to "solve" your issues, it isn't going to happen. Which brings me to point number 2.
2. The hardest things in life will usually bring the greatest growth and reward.
Let me say that this works to a point. I do not beleive the phrase, "what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger," That's like saying that if soemthing leave you weaker, you might as well have died. That's horrible. I have been through things in my life that did not make me stronger, they left deep wounds that I slowly am healing from. I may have learned some things from them, mostly learned what to avoid and what not to do, but I don't beleive they made me much of a better person.
What I'm talking about is that it would be wise to put yourself in situations that push you to the limits sometimes. The next time you think, "that sounds too hard," maybe you should try it. If you get through it, or reach your goal, or even try something new, you will grow as a person. If you sit around doing only what you know you are good at and what is easy, you will not grow, you will not experience a very fulfilling life.
Some of the hardest stuff I have done has been my work in my own therapy. But I came out through the other end a much better person, a much happier person, a much calmer person.
There are no quick fixes in life. At least none that don't have some pretty bad consequences.
I'd say the hardest things I've done in my life in particular order are:
1. EMDR Therapy
2. Carrying to term and naturally birthing my son.
3. Travelling solo in Thailand and France
4. Completing my college degree.
5. Losing nearly 50 pounds of weight healthily.
6. Leaving a really messed up realtionship and finding new love.
7. Sucessfully breastfeeding my child for 20 months and counting.
8. Partening my child the way I know is best.
9. Planning my entire wedding and actually going through with the marriage.
10. Overcoming the need (99% of the time) for psychoactive meds.
The above list was very hard, but brought me incredible rewards and feelings of empowerment and strength. A lot of it took large leaps of faith. I had to have faith that things would be OK. There are no guarantees in life. These are just a list of things that were mostly sucessful too. I have failed at many things too. Or not quite gotten what I want out of something, but in no way was the journey not worth it. Which brings me to a note about journeys..
3. Positivity will benefit you greatly.
I used to be very anxious, and when I am stressed or tired, or recovering from my overnight job, my anxiety flares up like crazy and I worry about lots of things. I'm a very future focused person, always thinking of things I could do in the future. I've come to learn that enjoying the journey and seeing what you have now is really wonderful. I'm now very negative about negativity.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to hear about your problems. But there is a difference between talking about the troubles in your life and simply complaining about every red light you come to. Tell me about how hard parenting is, even specifically, stop telling me how annoying your kids are. They are kids, yours are no more crazy than the next pair, kids are insane because they have insane underdeveloped kid brains. This is why we drink coffee and wine and support each other by saying things like, "your kid is normal, and yes it sucks sometimes." Did you really think this was going to be easy??
You will feel much better if you try to change your attitude a bit. I used to think attitude was bullshit and just felt like a victim. All these people were doing things to me! Well, now I don't feel like a victim, even when my car was broken into and my GPS unit stolen, I felt a little shocked and insecure, but I knew the window could get fixed, the GPS was cheap and probably whoever stole it needed it more than me. It doesn't make it right, but I was able to stay calm and didn't let it bother me. In fact it was kind of fun recruiting my coworkers to attempt to tape a plastic bag over my window during a blizzard. It was hard, but we did it! Overall not such a bad experience!
Anytime there is struggle there is something to be learned from it, something to build your character. If you look for these things, things will go way smoother.
I have spent many late nights calming my crying child thinking about how I am helping his neural pathways find joy more easily by simply holding him and rocking him. I've thought about how I am planting the seeds for an easier, happier kid in the future. How I will learn to fuction on less sleep and get creative with naps and sleep schedules.
Now when I am up at 2 am unable to sleep and my kid is sleeping I try to enjoy the alone time, instead of worry about the sleep I'm not getting. We don't have much control over what happened in the past or what will happen in the future, but we do have control over how we perceive the present. Enjoy the ride of life, for godssake!
4. People are just as, if not more, messed up as you.
I used to think I was basically insane. Then I met other "insane" people and I thought they were alright, then I calmed down a bit and kept running into more and more people that just seemed to not have their shit together. Everywhere, thousands of people without their shit together, all of them with some major problem in their life, many of them taking antidepressants, or smoking cigarettes, or sleeping around, or remaining in dysfunctional relationships. After a while I began to think, "where are the sane people?" And the people I thought of as sane I also thought were pretty boring. They certainly didn't have the most interesting stories to tell.
Turns out most of us are a bit messed up. I have eyed a few pretty together people, my husband for instance (though he might disagree). I have a couple close friends I think are pretty level headed and together. The one thing they have in common is that they decided long ago that they didn't want to be like other people they saw. They wanted to be "sane." I have often asked my husband, "why is it that you never yell or really get that upset? You rarely complain and never say anything mean?" He says simply, "that's not who I want to be." He made a concious effort sometime before we started dating to NOT be like that, to be calm and collected. These people are huge inspirations.
I also get a long well with those that totaly own up to their craziness. I can pretty much deal with any crazy as long as the person is aware of it and is all like, "oh crap there I go with my crazy again, oops."
What I can't deal with is the insane that think they have their shit together. Especially those that seem to think they can do no wrong and constantly defend themselves by basically saying, "well this is who I am, take it or leave it." Ironically these are usually the people that would be able to handle your abandoment the least. These people rarely apologise.
I remember early in my career getting hit by one of the clients I was working with. A few minutes later he said, "I'm sorry, Andrea." I almost started crying. I wanted to say, "a lot of people have hurt me in my life, but done have apologized as quickly as you did." I of course accepted his apology and had to accept him as well. Which brings me to my next point...
5. Acceptance is a huge relief.
I think if we all just accepted our lives the way they are now and accepted our family for who they are now and accepted the world, we would all be a lot happier. I used to think acceptance was just rolling over and taking whatever shit was thrown your way, but now I realise I can still fight for my rights and also accept that I may not have all the rights I want right now.
I have often found myself saying to my husband when we talk about our life that these early parenting years are simply going to be years of not having much money and not having much time. They are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. It has helped me greatly to think about myself in politics as a small peice of a large puzzle that won't be finished for thousands of years. I'm a socialist, so the bottom line is that I want to get rid of the capitalist system. That' really the ONE thing I am fightly for. But OMG, that is one HUGE thing. One thing I cannot do on my own, in fact one thing I probably have very little influence on at all. That doesn't mean I don't participate. I think too many people don't participate in things like politics because they want quick results, and this stuff is not quick. At least not the good stuff like getting everyone affordable health care.
Sorry to say it to the folks that love them some capitalism... capitalism is a temporary state that will end someday, in fact it's only really been around a few hundred years. I don't know what will come next, but I know something will, it might be better or it might be worse. I hope better, but I might not get to see any real change in my lifetime. I can accept that, but still participate. I have been part of strong movements that have completely failed. It doesn't mean the flight was not a good one. There are no garantees for the good guys to win, in fact the odds are often heavily stacked in favor of the bad guys. And the history books are often written by the winners.
Anyway, you don't have to be a socialist to accept things. This is just my huge acceptance example.
I have found that I am thinking less and less about things being pleasent or unpleasent, and more that aweing at their existance. I think I'm a pretty unique indivdual and I used to really look at my good and bad qualities and now I try to just be in awe of all my qualities and accept them as they are. If I accept them, then they ones I want to change are easier to over come. Even capitalism, which I hate, is a sight to behold. Have my husband try to explain how he invests in the stock market to see the craziness of it. That stock market crap is INSANE and almost ungraspable to me cognitively. Isn't this why people stare at train wrecks?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Assume The Best in Others and Yourself
I've been doing this thing where I assume the best in people, including me.
Sometimes I wonder if I assume too much goodness. For instance I have a few friends who rarely call me. I pretty much always initiate anything and they are bad at getting back to me. In the past I would have wondered what was wrong with them and then what was wrong with me. But now I've been telling myself things like, "Your friends are busy, they love you, they just have stressful lives right now and no time." In short it makes me feel like I have way more friends than I probably actually do.
I even find myself talking about my friends and then find myself saything things like, "well, I guess they are a friend I don't see much, or an aquaintence." But, you know what, I haven't been feeling bad about this. I set up things with my frineds when I can and when things don't work out, I assume everyone meant the best.
It kind of boils down to assuming people like me, even if I have no evidence to really support it. It's extremely relaxing. I do sometimes find myself wondering, "why didn't so and so email/call/text me back?" But then I've been instead saying things like, "oh they are busy/stressed/depressed/awkward/whatever." I assume there is a perfectly reasonable explanation to why they don't answer.
Friendship after kids is a complete 180 to friendship during college. During college I saw my good friends at least once a week, usually more. It was easy to grab lunch with them, go to their place after classes, get some form of intoxicated with them on the weekends or do some other wholesome activity. Most of us didn't work much or at all, we had classes and a bunch of time to fill with either studying (study dates!) or socializing.
Now most of us have full time jobs or full time kids or both and barely have an evening a week to devote to our spouce or significant other. Or I should say I now have a full time kid and a part time job and lack time, especially weekend time (because I work every weekend). It was a huge transition and I spent lots of time feeling like people now didn't give a shit about me because I had a kid. That was delusional. But I was also full of post partum hormones.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnet, people like me!" Has been a fairly recent realization.
It's also amazing that I can feel extremely imperfect, but still feel extremely valued as a person, this is a new feeling to me. Like, it's OK if I totally fuck up in a social situation, I'm still worth something, what? Crazy! And that it's OK to try to reconnect with an old friend/aquaintence even if I've ignored the relationship mostly for the last few years. And it's also ok if not everyone likes me and I don't like everyone. I've had to let a few relationships go too, because they just weren't worth it. Doesn't mean they won't work in the future.
OK, too the normies out there, this probably seems like elementary stuff, but for me, this is a new concept.
I think it's called self esteem. I think I'm finally developing it.
Sometimes I wonder if I assume too much goodness. For instance I have a few friends who rarely call me. I pretty much always initiate anything and they are bad at getting back to me. In the past I would have wondered what was wrong with them and then what was wrong with me. But now I've been telling myself things like, "Your friends are busy, they love you, they just have stressful lives right now and no time." In short it makes me feel like I have way more friends than I probably actually do.
I even find myself talking about my friends and then find myself saything things like, "well, I guess they are a friend I don't see much, or an aquaintence." But, you know what, I haven't been feeling bad about this. I set up things with my frineds when I can and when things don't work out, I assume everyone meant the best.
It kind of boils down to assuming people like me, even if I have no evidence to really support it. It's extremely relaxing. I do sometimes find myself wondering, "why didn't so and so email/call/text me back?" But then I've been instead saying things like, "oh they are busy/stressed/depressed/awkward/whatever." I assume there is a perfectly reasonable explanation to why they don't answer.
Friendship after kids is a complete 180 to friendship during college. During college I saw my good friends at least once a week, usually more. It was easy to grab lunch with them, go to their place after classes, get some form of intoxicated with them on the weekends or do some other wholesome activity. Most of us didn't work much or at all, we had classes and a bunch of time to fill with either studying (study dates!) or socializing.
Now most of us have full time jobs or full time kids or both and barely have an evening a week to devote to our spouce or significant other. Or I should say I now have a full time kid and a part time job and lack time, especially weekend time (because I work every weekend). It was a huge transition and I spent lots of time feeling like people now didn't give a shit about me because I had a kid. That was delusional. But I was also full of post partum hormones.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnet, people like me!" Has been a fairly recent realization.
It's also amazing that I can feel extremely imperfect, but still feel extremely valued as a person, this is a new feeling to me. Like, it's OK if I totally fuck up in a social situation, I'm still worth something, what? Crazy! And that it's OK to try to reconnect with an old friend/aquaintence even if I've ignored the relationship mostly for the last few years. And it's also ok if not everyone likes me and I don't like everyone. I've had to let a few relationships go too, because they just weren't worth it. Doesn't mean they won't work in the future.
OK, too the normies out there, this probably seems like elementary stuff, but for me, this is a new concept.
I think it's called self esteem. I think I'm finally developing it.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Feeling Good, Trying to Keep it Going
So this last week has been like the best mental health I have ever had ever in my whole life, ever!
And in Januray? What is wrong with me.
I think a huge reason is that this last week has fallen pretty much exactly in between my god awful periods. Which means a huge reaosn for this feeling awesome is simply hormones, lame. It's also when I started going to bed at like 9 pm and getting up around 6 am, this sleep schedule seems to work really well for me. Then on top of it I signed up for some CSAs this week, and got a new futon and scubbed the kitchen.
So we've got happy hormones, some good self care, and some growth and change going on. All these combine made for a happy me. I wasn't happy 100% of the time, but I felt extremely content with my life.
So the hard part will be trying to keep this up. Trying to beat the system of PMS and hormones. I can't take hormonal birth control to help me, I'm breastfeeding (note: the progeston-only pill (mini pill) is safe, but not estrogen, I think it messes up supply), and I don't remember things being better on birth control, I remember things being worse and me getting really hungry while I was on them and basically gaining like 25 pounds.
Ok I write about PMS a lot, but it's like THE issue I have right now, other mental health stuff is pretty good, life is pretty good, family is pretty good, it's the shitty thing I RUMINATE on.
I told you this blog was all about rumination, shallow, not-well-thought-out rumination. I don't think many read this, if oyu do, you are super cool and should call me on the telephone and hang out with me, becase, seriously, you must "get' me somehow.
lol, I don't even know if my own husband reads this, oh well, I sometimes miss his blog too.
OK. Back to feeling good. It's too late, my brain is now crumbling into not good mental health.
I have to hang out with FAMILY (not my immediate) tonight. Really hoping my bad sleep schedule (from work) doesn't turn me into a huge bitch. I guess even if it does, I've already ruined my relationship with them pretty well so far. (Kidding, kind of)
And in Januray? What is wrong with me.
I think a huge reason is that this last week has fallen pretty much exactly in between my god awful periods. Which means a huge reaosn for this feeling awesome is simply hormones, lame. It's also when I started going to bed at like 9 pm and getting up around 6 am, this sleep schedule seems to work really well for me. Then on top of it I signed up for some CSAs this week, and got a new futon and scubbed the kitchen.
So we've got happy hormones, some good self care, and some growth and change going on. All these combine made for a happy me. I wasn't happy 100% of the time, but I felt extremely content with my life.
So the hard part will be trying to keep this up. Trying to beat the system of PMS and hormones. I can't take hormonal birth control to help me, I'm breastfeeding (note: the progeston-only pill (mini pill) is safe, but not estrogen, I think it messes up supply), and I don't remember things being better on birth control, I remember things being worse and me getting really hungry while I was on them and basically gaining like 25 pounds.
Ok I write about PMS a lot, but it's like THE issue I have right now, other mental health stuff is pretty good, life is pretty good, family is pretty good, it's the shitty thing I RUMINATE on.
I told you this blog was all about rumination, shallow, not-well-thought-out rumination. I don't think many read this, if oyu do, you are super cool and should call me on the telephone and hang out with me, becase, seriously, you must "get' me somehow.
lol, I don't even know if my own husband reads this, oh well, I sometimes miss his blog too.
OK. Back to feeling good. It's too late, my brain is now crumbling into not good mental health.
I have to hang out with FAMILY (not my immediate) tonight. Really hoping my bad sleep schedule (from work) doesn't turn me into a huge bitch. I guess even if it does, I've already ruined my relationship with them pretty well so far. (Kidding, kind of)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Going out on a limb here...
and going to say that probably the simple act of paying attention to what you eat is what is healthy.
I've been looking into different diet trends and you know what? I agree with them all. I agree with the vegans about the heath benefits of avoiding animal products, I agree with the paleos that we eat too much grain and that we were meant to eat met, I agree with the vegetarians that we can get good protein through eggs and cheese and vegetables. They all have their own documentation to prove that their way of eating is the way to go. And I think they are all right. I'm betting the Atkins people are on to something too.
The thing these diets all have in common? The healthy people on them avoid sweets and refined grains and sugars and eat a good amount of veggies. I'm thinking that this is the real trick to it.
Is meat good or bad for you? Probably a little of both. Is dairy? Probably there are good things and bad. Grains? Same deal. If you only ate fruits and veggies with no good protein source you'd have a problem too, you at least need to throw some nuts or legumes in there. Likewise if you went on an all meat and butter diet.
I'm willing to bet that in 50 or 100 years if they continue to research nutrition that they are going to find that many different diets work well for people, but that refined flour and sugar and corn syrup is what is doing us in. Too much of it that is, I'm not going to go and say that you should never eat sugar ever, I sure couldn't do that. But there really hasn't been a study out there that has said, "eat more sugar and corn syrup and flour for your health!" But I'm willing to bet that there has been a study showing the health benefits of nearly every other food.
So for this year as part of my bettering myself deal I'm going to cook a wider range of veggies and try to cut back on those refined grains and sugars.
These two things seem the most beneficial. I'm not willing to go ahead and say all grain is bad or all dairy is bad, or all meat is bad.
I've joined a meat and veggie and fruit and cheese CSA for this year, so I'm very excited to cook more tasty new things that are probably pretty healthy.
I've been looking into different diet trends and you know what? I agree with them all. I agree with the vegans about the heath benefits of avoiding animal products, I agree with the paleos that we eat too much grain and that we were meant to eat met, I agree with the vegetarians that we can get good protein through eggs and cheese and vegetables. They all have their own documentation to prove that their way of eating is the way to go. And I think they are all right. I'm betting the Atkins people are on to something too.
The thing these diets all have in common? The healthy people on them avoid sweets and refined grains and sugars and eat a good amount of veggies. I'm thinking that this is the real trick to it.
Is meat good or bad for you? Probably a little of both. Is dairy? Probably there are good things and bad. Grains? Same deal. If you only ate fruits and veggies with no good protein source you'd have a problem too, you at least need to throw some nuts or legumes in there. Likewise if you went on an all meat and butter diet.
I'm willing to bet that in 50 or 100 years if they continue to research nutrition that they are going to find that many different diets work well for people, but that refined flour and sugar and corn syrup is what is doing us in. Too much of it that is, I'm not going to go and say that you should never eat sugar ever, I sure couldn't do that. But there really hasn't been a study out there that has said, "eat more sugar and corn syrup and flour for your health!" But I'm willing to bet that there has been a study showing the health benefits of nearly every other food.
So for this year as part of my bettering myself deal I'm going to cook a wider range of veggies and try to cut back on those refined grains and sugars.
These two things seem the most beneficial. I'm not willing to go ahead and say all grain is bad or all dairy is bad, or all meat is bad.
I've joined a meat and veggie and fruit and cheese CSA for this year, so I'm very excited to cook more tasty new things that are probably pretty healthy.
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