Well
here we are again folks. I cannot sleep. I tried for a couple hours
and then got super hungry and when you are pregnant, hunger pains just
aren't something you can get over and go to sleep on. So I made some
toast and some tea. I was actually feeling pretty nuts, but maybe it
was just hunger. I can get really irritable and crabby when hungry and
sometimes that's the first sign.
My poor husband, I feel like saying horrible things to him sometimes. Well, I feel like saying horrible things to a lot of people these days, but so far, not much has come out. If this were PMS I would know my period was coming ANY DAY NOW. So maybe this means baby will be here any day now, but honestly, I feel so insane, I want him to stay in a few more days. I really don't feel like I could handle labor or caring for an infant right now.
Now I feel very awake! Restless, irritable energy. Not like the nice "nesting instinct" I'm supposed to feel. I haven't felt much of that besides a growing hatred for our futon couch. I hate that couch right now, maybe it used to be comfy, but it's not when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy, it is an awful thing.
I don't think I'll make it to work tomorrow, and that's OK. Ooh, contraction, I recognize them now, but they remain pretty mild and have no pattern and pretty much go away if I lay down. Actually baby and labor have yet to wake me up. Some women say their fetus will kick them awake, I guess I am lucky. Besides this week, pregnancy hasn't interrupted my sleep much more than planning the wedding did. If I were to guess just from how he's acted in the womb, I'd say I have an easy temperament baby boy on my hands, but I will try not to get my hopes up.
For what it's worth, Brent has done an excellent job of keeping up with the yard work and cleaning and getting bills paid and going grocery shopping, all activities I have been ignoring for some time. Our plants, on the other hand, well, they didn't survive the pregnancy. I didn't care, and I'm not sure if Brent knows how house plants work. :) Oh, he's also taken on all animal care duties, for a while I was in charge of feeding the rabbit, but I passed the torch after forgetting a few too many times (not in a row, don't worry, bunny is fine).
I did however build two IKEA items on my own, assembled the co-sleeper, and organized all the baby stuff.
My poor husband, I feel like saying horrible things to him sometimes. Well, I feel like saying horrible things to a lot of people these days, but so far, not much has come out. If this were PMS I would know my period was coming ANY DAY NOW. So maybe this means baby will be here any day now, but honestly, I feel so insane, I want him to stay in a few more days. I really don't feel like I could handle labor or caring for an infant right now.
Now I feel very awake! Restless, irritable energy. Not like the nice "nesting instinct" I'm supposed to feel. I haven't felt much of that besides a growing hatred for our futon couch. I hate that couch right now, maybe it used to be comfy, but it's not when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy, it is an awful thing.
I don't think I'll make it to work tomorrow, and that's OK. Ooh, contraction, I recognize them now, but they remain pretty mild and have no pattern and pretty much go away if I lay down. Actually baby and labor have yet to wake me up. Some women say their fetus will kick them awake, I guess I am lucky. Besides this week, pregnancy hasn't interrupted my sleep much more than planning the wedding did. If I were to guess just from how he's acted in the womb, I'd say I have an easy temperament baby boy on my hands, but I will try not to get my hopes up.
For what it's worth, Brent has done an excellent job of keeping up with the yard work and cleaning and getting bills paid and going grocery shopping, all activities I have been ignoring for some time. Our plants, on the other hand, well, they didn't survive the pregnancy. I didn't care, and I'm not sure if Brent knows how house plants work. :) Oh, he's also taken on all animal care duties, for a while I was in charge of feeding the rabbit, but I passed the torch after forgetting a few too many times (not in a row, don't worry, bunny is fine).
I did however build two IKEA items on my own, assembled the co-sleeper, and organized all the baby stuff.
And if one
more fucking person asks me when I am due, who should goddamn well know
when I am fucking due by now, I'm going to explode. JUNE, FUCKING,
FIFTH!
And people look at me like I'm a walking time bomb! I apparently look SUPER pregnant, because, well, I am. And if I see ONE more ad with a pregnant woman with a belly that has no stretch marks or blemishes or hair on it, I'm going to freak! Thank you society for giving me a totally unrealistic view of what a pregnant belly looks like. THEY LOOK DISGUSTING BY THE WAY! I have hanging skin folds on the bottom of my bump and then horribly stretched out skin over the rest of it. Now, how the heck does that even happen? How can some skin get loose and some skin get tight, why didn't you work together and even this shit out?
I just know I will end up with a big roll of skin hanging down and getting caught in my pants zipper for the rest of time. [Didn't happen] Never have I seen anything like what my belly looks like right now, nothing outside of a horror film.
And people look at me like I'm a walking time bomb! I apparently look SUPER pregnant, because, well, I am. And if I see ONE more ad with a pregnant woman with a belly that has no stretch marks or blemishes or hair on it, I'm going to freak! Thank you society for giving me a totally unrealistic view of what a pregnant belly looks like. THEY LOOK DISGUSTING BY THE WAY! I have hanging skin folds on the bottom of my bump and then horribly stretched out skin over the rest of it. Now, how the heck does that even happen? How can some skin get loose and some skin get tight, why didn't you work together and even this shit out?
I just know I will end up with a big roll of skin hanging down and getting caught in my pants zipper for the rest of time. [Didn't happen] Never have I seen anything like what my belly looks like right now, nothing outside of a horror film.
I think it might be that everyone loves the
baby more than me right now. And my therapist is on fucking vacation
for Memorial Day weekend, just like, you guessed it, my family. I
really would like nothing more than to trade places with someone for a
good week.
I just want someone to say, "Andrea, it sucks to be this pregnant, you have every right to feel horrible and hate everyone, I'm impressed that you mostly kept your cool until week 38, that's amazing, I would have checked myself into the psyche ward long ago. And not once did you have a drink or take a Klonapin, you did this whole pregnancy on Tylenol (some Advil), antacids, caffeine, a few Unisom, and one course of amoxacilin. Not one psyche med, not one mind altering substance, unless you count caffeine. You even avoided the tea with kava in it! And with no complications! You will do great!"
Instead I feel like I've gotten dire warnings just about every step of the way. Hello, acknowledge me and the amazing feat I performed! I grew a life inside of me! I didn't kill it even once! And somehow with 50 pounds gained, I'm still in good health and baby doesn't feel huge. I can still get in a 20-30 minute walk before I really need to sit, and my back feels fine most of the time.
But the psychological toll this is taking right now, is... big. I warned Brent that this won't be over anytime soon. I'll be trading these problems for a whole new set. I have to get a handle on these ones first. Or at least a smidgeon of a handle so I'm not loaded with a whole new set before I've figured out the first set.
At least I can recognize crazy, or the heading towards crazy. I wish more people understood that these are all feelings and have no rational basis simply because they are feelings. I so don't believe one can change how they feel just by rationally thinking about it. Feelings are gotten over by letting them be felt and I so hope I can teach my son that his feelings are ok even if they make no sense. I hope to never shush his tears or tell him he shouldn't be angry. I hope he never fears what my reaction will be. I hope he can tell me everything and always feel support from me. I hope he never feels pressured to change anything about himself. I hope he never feels that my love is conditional.
I just want someone to say, "Andrea, it sucks to be this pregnant, you have every right to feel horrible and hate everyone, I'm impressed that you mostly kept your cool until week 38, that's amazing, I would have checked myself into the psyche ward long ago. And not once did you have a drink or take a Klonapin, you did this whole pregnancy on Tylenol (some Advil), antacids, caffeine, a few Unisom, and one course of amoxacilin. Not one psyche med, not one mind altering substance, unless you count caffeine. You even avoided the tea with kava in it! And with no complications! You will do great!"
Instead I feel like I've gotten dire warnings just about every step of the way. Hello, acknowledge me and the amazing feat I performed! I grew a life inside of me! I didn't kill it even once! And somehow with 50 pounds gained, I'm still in good health and baby doesn't feel huge. I can still get in a 20-30 minute walk before I really need to sit, and my back feels fine most of the time.
But the psychological toll this is taking right now, is... big. I warned Brent that this won't be over anytime soon. I'll be trading these problems for a whole new set. I have to get a handle on these ones first. Or at least a smidgeon of a handle so I'm not loaded with a whole new set before I've figured out the first set.
At least I can recognize crazy, or the heading towards crazy. I wish more people understood that these are all feelings and have no rational basis simply because they are feelings. I so don't believe one can change how they feel just by rationally thinking about it. Feelings are gotten over by letting them be felt and I so hope I can teach my son that his feelings are ok even if they make no sense. I hope to never shush his tears or tell him he shouldn't be angry. I hope he never fears what my reaction will be. I hope he can tell me everything and always feel support from me. I hope he never feels pressured to change anything about himself. I hope he never feels that my love is conditional.
No comments:
Post a Comment