Yes you may!
Here goes.
Fuck PMS.
Fuck hormones that seem to effect some of us way more than others. Fuck feeling like a crazy person for like 5 days a month. Fuck spotting for like three days before the actual period starts making it seem like PMS is longer than it is supposed to be.
Fuck the lack of treatment for PMS. Fuck birth control being used to treat PMS and PMDD. Fuck that, I want something else. Fuck me for for being so stubborn and not taking medication when I probably should so that I'm not up writing at midnight like a maniac. Fuck medication. Fuck side effects. Fuck, "we don't really know why SSRIs work or don't work." Fuck that, do better science.
Fuck that my only two options are hormonal birth control or SSRIs. Fuck the lack of options. It's the twenty fucking first fucking century. Fuck that I just wrote a post about wanting to not feel like this.
Fuck changing PMS symptoms and changing periods. I get fucking used to it being one way and then you fucking change it on me and I have to cope with it all again. Fuck that.
Fuck staying seeing the bright side. Fuck fertility. I almost want to be pregnant again just to end this, except I think pregnancy was worse. Fuck being sensitive to hormones, seriously fuck that. Fuck pregnancy making my periods so much fucking heavier. Fuck the end of my light, not so bad, not so painful periods.
Fuck that PMS is so bad that I wish my super heavy, painful period would just get here already! Fuck not feeling like myself. Fuck insomnia during PMS. Fuck.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
You Can' Control How People Perceive You, Yet Perception is Everything.
I'm struggling with two different concepts in my life that I believe in. One being: You can't control what others think, and Two: perception is everything.
Basically I can only control myself, not how others perceive me, but that also this perception is actually the only thing that matters.
And I'm having trouble trying to be OK with these two things. Somehow for the future I will figure this out and somehow be true to myself but also be better for others. I'm guessing a lot of it will be closing my mouth, but that's almost a whole other topic.
I read in a book called "The Happiness Project," that there is no love, only proofs of love. This struck me very deeply. There is NO love, only PROOFS of love. It made me realize why I hate it when I'm arguing with someone and they tell me they love me. I don't actually care how you feel, SHOW me that you love me. Having love for someone is something YOU feel internally that doesn't actually effect them in anyway. Proving your love by, say, being nice to them and doing things for them, and being supportive, and listening empathetically, and accepting them for who they are, is how they know you love them. These are the things that really matter, sorry, but how you feel inside actually doesn't do crap.
Harsh, huh? But it is so true. Don't we all have or have had that person that is an asshole to us, but then keeps telling us they love us and it makes us feel really uncomfortable. Maybe they do feel that love, but they sure aren't proving it. You have to prove it. This is why perception is everything. If someone perceives that you are mean or crabby, you ARE mean and crabby, it doesn't matter if you actually don't feel very mean or crabby.
But then I also believe that I can't control how others perceive me. I can't read minds. I can't know how you are feeling, only how I perceive you. So there is something else missing here.
I'm guessing it must be something along the lines of accepting that not everyone is going to like you and trying to change how you are perceived for those who really matter. I imagine this is what really sucks about being famous. Not everyone can like you, but everyone knows you and many of them will tell you either way. So you have some people perceiving you as being awesome and some people perceiving you have being terrible for the exact same things sometimes, and then you somehow have to hold it together and find out who you really are.
For instance on more than one occasion I have been told how judgmental I am being, even when I don't feel judgmental at all. And often I am judging corporations who care more about profit than the safety of children, or doctors who are way out of touch with statistics and new research, but people perceive this as me judging the parents who are buying the products or doing what their doctor is telling them. Even when I spell it out sometimes that I'm NOT blaming them, I am blaming blank, they are still up in arms. This is usually when I throw my hands in the air and assume that this person just needs to be angry about this or has some unresolved feelings that actually have nothing to do with what I am saying.
So am I being judgmental simply because someone is insisting that I am? Not everyone thinks that I am. But someone does. Can I even change that? Should I just not comment on anything publicly? I feel that if I stopped that it would go against who I am fundamentally. Which is someone who wants the dissemination of good information. It is amazing to me how many people hold very weird beliefs about things that they actually have very little information about. My self included.
I used to cringe when I heard of people bringing their babies to bed. As recently as just three or four years ago. Then I started contemplating having children of my own and I took parenting on like a research project/ deep look into my own intuition. I started reading books, lots of books. Some of them were awful, some were great. And the conclusion I drew was that co-sleeping actually is SAFER than crib sleeping as long as you take a few necessary precautions. Holy crap, my view did a complete 180 when I actually looked into it.
Note: a good baby book or parenting book will back up what it has to say, not just say it. It will also give you many options and won't be rigid or claim that one method works for everyone.
Anyway, I'm getting sick of people misperceiving me, and getting sick of feeling like after I say something I then have to go back and reassure everyone that they are a good parent. I've contemplated just not saying anything. "You are in charge of your feelings, stop putting words into my mouth." Or something along those lines.
But I do feel bad when someone feels I'm judging them when I'm not. I might not agree with what you are doing, or I might want to do it a different way and actually feel pretty neutral on what you are doing, and I might totally be judging your doctor who told you that it was breastfeeding that was causing the tooth decay (common, untrue thing that gets said way too much by doctors), but I'm very rarely judging you. It's just unfortunate how much bad information is out there, and how little support there is for working against this bad info. So I WANT to reassure you. Kind of. Sometimes.
I have very strong opinions on many things. I try to form my opinions on facts. Facts are not as straight forward as you would think. It's amazing how some studies will counter other studies. A huge part of my education revolved around critically analyzing scientific studies and looking for BS (but they didn't call it that). So I feel I have a better than average grasp on what good information looks like. This further solidifies my opinions unless new good info comes along.
But I have to believe that I can be opinionated without being a judgmental asshole. And even if I present some facts and you choose to not believe them or do something else, then what can I do? Live and let live is another thing I believe in. I'm NOT an evangelical. I have faith that people will find their own way. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to express my opinion. And I rarely say anything to anyone's face. It's all on facebook or my blog, which people can totally choose to ignore. Person-to-person I assume most of the time people don't want to hear it (with close friends or my husband it's a bit different). If they ask me what I am doing, or straight up ask me for my opinion, then I can talk for hours!
Some of you might not believe this, but fundamentally I see myself as a very non-judgmental person. I've spent the vast majority of my working life working with people who have serious issues, people who are sometimes shunned from society, people who are stigmatized, people who are very misunderstood, people who sometimes feel trapped in the system or like they don't belong. And my job, mostly, is to be empathetic to it all, and to normalize what they think and do, and to accept them for who they are right now, no matter how bad it looks from the outside. That's what people pay me to do. And I couldn't imagine doing much else. This is what I want to do. It's something in my core that tells me to go find those that need the most help, who feel the most lost, and tell them that they are going to be OK. That they, in fact, are fine how they are and that if they want to change, they have this power, and I will help them.
You have to be non-judgmental to do that.
So this actually doesn't really have a conclusion, I'm just really focused on feeling better and doing better and becoming a better person right now and I'm trying to figure out exactly what needs to change in order for this to work.
Basically I can only control myself, not how others perceive me, but that also this perception is actually the only thing that matters.
And I'm having trouble trying to be OK with these two things. Somehow for the future I will figure this out and somehow be true to myself but also be better for others. I'm guessing a lot of it will be closing my mouth, but that's almost a whole other topic.
I read in a book called "The Happiness Project," that there is no love, only proofs of love. This struck me very deeply. There is NO love, only PROOFS of love. It made me realize why I hate it when I'm arguing with someone and they tell me they love me. I don't actually care how you feel, SHOW me that you love me. Having love for someone is something YOU feel internally that doesn't actually effect them in anyway. Proving your love by, say, being nice to them and doing things for them, and being supportive, and listening empathetically, and accepting them for who they are, is how they know you love them. These are the things that really matter, sorry, but how you feel inside actually doesn't do crap.
Harsh, huh? But it is so true. Don't we all have or have had that person that is an asshole to us, but then keeps telling us they love us and it makes us feel really uncomfortable. Maybe they do feel that love, but they sure aren't proving it. You have to prove it. This is why perception is everything. If someone perceives that you are mean or crabby, you ARE mean and crabby, it doesn't matter if you actually don't feel very mean or crabby.
But then I also believe that I can't control how others perceive me. I can't read minds. I can't know how you are feeling, only how I perceive you. So there is something else missing here.
I'm guessing it must be something along the lines of accepting that not everyone is going to like you and trying to change how you are perceived for those who really matter. I imagine this is what really sucks about being famous. Not everyone can like you, but everyone knows you and many of them will tell you either way. So you have some people perceiving you as being awesome and some people perceiving you have being terrible for the exact same things sometimes, and then you somehow have to hold it together and find out who you really are.
For instance on more than one occasion I have been told how judgmental I am being, even when I don't feel judgmental at all. And often I am judging corporations who care more about profit than the safety of children, or doctors who are way out of touch with statistics and new research, but people perceive this as me judging the parents who are buying the products or doing what their doctor is telling them. Even when I spell it out sometimes that I'm NOT blaming them, I am blaming blank, they are still up in arms. This is usually when I throw my hands in the air and assume that this person just needs to be angry about this or has some unresolved feelings that actually have nothing to do with what I am saying.
So am I being judgmental simply because someone is insisting that I am? Not everyone thinks that I am. But someone does. Can I even change that? Should I just not comment on anything publicly? I feel that if I stopped that it would go against who I am fundamentally. Which is someone who wants the dissemination of good information. It is amazing to me how many people hold very weird beliefs about things that they actually have very little information about. My self included.
I used to cringe when I heard of people bringing their babies to bed. As recently as just three or four years ago. Then I started contemplating having children of my own and I took parenting on like a research project/ deep look into my own intuition. I started reading books, lots of books. Some of them were awful, some were great. And the conclusion I drew was that co-sleeping actually is SAFER than crib sleeping as long as you take a few necessary precautions. Holy crap, my view did a complete 180 when I actually looked into it.
Note: a good baby book or parenting book will back up what it has to say, not just say it. It will also give you many options and won't be rigid or claim that one method works for everyone.
Anyway, I'm getting sick of people misperceiving me, and getting sick of feeling like after I say something I then have to go back and reassure everyone that they are a good parent. I've contemplated just not saying anything. "You are in charge of your feelings, stop putting words into my mouth." Or something along those lines.
But I do feel bad when someone feels I'm judging them when I'm not. I might not agree with what you are doing, or I might want to do it a different way and actually feel pretty neutral on what you are doing, and I might totally be judging your doctor who told you that it was breastfeeding that was causing the tooth decay (common, untrue thing that gets said way too much by doctors), but I'm very rarely judging you. It's just unfortunate how much bad information is out there, and how little support there is for working against this bad info. So I WANT to reassure you. Kind of. Sometimes.
I have very strong opinions on many things. I try to form my opinions on facts. Facts are not as straight forward as you would think. It's amazing how some studies will counter other studies. A huge part of my education revolved around critically analyzing scientific studies and looking for BS (but they didn't call it that). So I feel I have a better than average grasp on what good information looks like. This further solidifies my opinions unless new good info comes along.
But I have to believe that I can be opinionated without being a judgmental asshole. And even if I present some facts and you choose to not believe them or do something else, then what can I do? Live and let live is another thing I believe in. I'm NOT an evangelical. I have faith that people will find their own way. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to express my opinion. And I rarely say anything to anyone's face. It's all on facebook or my blog, which people can totally choose to ignore. Person-to-person I assume most of the time people don't want to hear it (with close friends or my husband it's a bit different). If they ask me what I am doing, or straight up ask me for my opinion, then I can talk for hours!
Some of you might not believe this, but fundamentally I see myself as a very non-judgmental person. I've spent the vast majority of my working life working with people who have serious issues, people who are sometimes shunned from society, people who are stigmatized, people who are very misunderstood, people who sometimes feel trapped in the system or like they don't belong. And my job, mostly, is to be empathetic to it all, and to normalize what they think and do, and to accept them for who they are right now, no matter how bad it looks from the outside. That's what people pay me to do. And I couldn't imagine doing much else. This is what I want to do. It's something in my core that tells me to go find those that need the most help, who feel the most lost, and tell them that they are going to be OK. That they, in fact, are fine how they are and that if they want to change, they have this power, and I will help them.
You have to be non-judgmental to do that.
So this actually doesn't really have a conclusion, I'm just really focused on feeling better and doing better and becoming a better person right now and I'm trying to figure out exactly what needs to change in order for this to work.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Want Change? Start with You!
Since the school shooting I've been thinking a lot about how messed up the world is. How there is way too much anger in it and how people don't seem to value being kind to one another. In stead we value "winning" arguments, many of which don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
But I can't fricking change the world. I mean, I'll do my darndest to try to end capitalism and stuff like that, but I actually personally have very little control over it. I can only change myself.
So my resolution this year is to experiment with some change for myself. Making myself kinder and nicer and more compassionate and less violent. Now hopefully you are all like, "but you already are so nice and compassionate and peaceful!" Well, I can be more so. And some of you are probably like, "good! You're a total bitch!" To you I say, no I'm not, but I guess you have a right to your opinion.
My husband is a huge inspiration for all of this. He doesn't get angry, really. He doesn't stuff his anger, he just simply accepts things and moves on without freaking out. It's something I've learned is called "radical acceptance" in dialectical behavior therapy. You can make him angry if you sit there and push is buttons like some crazy spouse of his... ahem... but he rarely complains about his job, or his low pay, or his health, or his anything. Somehow he, like, knows he is doing the best he can and nothing else is in his control. I mean that's what people like me go to 10 years of therapy to learn!
Not only does he know they aren't in his control, he knows there is no point in getting angered by the things outside of his control. He will certainly point out discrepancies, and injustices. He's smart and will calmly argue facts and knows a lot of them, but doesn't get all depressed or angry or bummed out when people act dumb or do illogical things or believe illogical things. He knows he can't make them agree with them. Again: Some of us go to 10 years of therapy to learn this stuff, then we need years of practice to be OK with it! He just does it already.
Sometimes I feel like I married the Buddha. At least some incarnate.
Yes, I know how lucky I am, and it seriously makes it hard for me to see faults in him because this one quality is so awesome that I feel I have no right to pick on anything else. Though, you should accept your spouse for who they are, but that's another topic all together...
I joke that he actually is my better half. But it is so true. He makes me want to be a better person. We don't have screaming fights not because I don't want to have those (I think they are fun sometimes!), but because he won't scream back at me and well that fact pretty much just diffuses any of my screaming. So I find myself standing there, having just lost my temper and just feeling stupid because he doesn't take the bait. Then I just feel horrible that I would yell at him. Then I'm like, "I gotta change and get this anger under control so I stop treating my husband like crap."
So anyway 2013 will be the year of experimental change. More details later for January's challenge.
But I can't fricking change the world. I mean, I'll do my darndest to try to end capitalism and stuff like that, but I actually personally have very little control over it. I can only change myself.
So my resolution this year is to experiment with some change for myself. Making myself kinder and nicer and more compassionate and less violent. Now hopefully you are all like, "but you already are so nice and compassionate and peaceful!" Well, I can be more so. And some of you are probably like, "good! You're a total bitch!" To you I say, no I'm not, but I guess you have a right to your opinion.
My husband is a huge inspiration for all of this. He doesn't get angry, really. He doesn't stuff his anger, he just simply accepts things and moves on without freaking out. It's something I've learned is called "radical acceptance" in dialectical behavior therapy. You can make him angry if you sit there and push is buttons like some crazy spouse of his... ahem... but he rarely complains about his job, or his low pay, or his health, or his anything. Somehow he, like, knows he is doing the best he can and nothing else is in his control. I mean that's what people like me go to 10 years of therapy to learn!
Not only does he know they aren't in his control, he knows there is no point in getting angered by the things outside of his control. He will certainly point out discrepancies, and injustices. He's smart and will calmly argue facts and knows a lot of them, but doesn't get all depressed or angry or bummed out when people act dumb or do illogical things or believe illogical things. He knows he can't make them agree with them. Again: Some of us go to 10 years of therapy to learn this stuff, then we need years of practice to be OK with it! He just does it already.
Sometimes I feel like I married the Buddha. At least some incarnate.
Yes, I know how lucky I am, and it seriously makes it hard for me to see faults in him because this one quality is so awesome that I feel I have no right to pick on anything else. Though, you should accept your spouse for who they are, but that's another topic all together...
I joke that he actually is my better half. But it is so true. He makes me want to be a better person. We don't have screaming fights not because I don't want to have those (I think they are fun sometimes!), but because he won't scream back at me and well that fact pretty much just diffuses any of my screaming. So I find myself standing there, having just lost my temper and just feeling stupid because he doesn't take the bait. Then I just feel horrible that I would yell at him. Then I'm like, "I gotta change and get this anger under control so I stop treating my husband like crap."
So anyway 2013 will be the year of experimental change. More details later for January's challenge.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Thoughts On Working Overnight
I've been working overnight for about a month now two nights a week at a mental health crisis center. There are things I have noticed about the overnight shift.
1. Holy crap, give overnight shift people a break, this is really hard, we are not meant to stay up until 9 am. We are meant to sleep in beds next to our partners and children.
2. IQ drops as shift goes on. My first few nights I was positively insane and dumb by the time my shift ended, unable to really form a sentance that made sense to any one else. It doesn't quite get that bad, but I find myself making little mistakes more and more as the night goes on; turning the wrong way down a hall, leaving my keys places, forgetting some needed item, forgetting what things I need to do next.
3. Insanity rises. I start out as mostly sane, maybe around 10% insanity that's just always there. I'd say my mental state slowly turns into some kind of mild rapidly cycling bi-polar disorder. Not enough to interfear with my job really, but I do remember looking in one hallway once around 5 am one shift and I suddenly thought, "This is the Shining." And that was incredibly funny to me, "all work and no play makes me a dull girl," I thought. I imagined going crazy and running around the house with an axe. But then I'll have these times sitting at my desk that are suddenly filled with dread and anxiety, and I have no idea why. It's like my body knows I'm away from my family at a weird time and is like, "did they die? Did they abandon you? Where are your loved ones? Not here. You are all alone, forever." Luckily I'm rational and I know these feelings are totally incorrect, but I feel them, and then they pass. What's really bad is that around 6 am people start getting up and actually want to talk to me and process things with me and tell me their troubles and I have to really concentrate and try to not say something really, really stupid. usually I want to say, "OMG, I have no idea! Crap, that sucks, sheesh, look, I can barely think right now, save it for morning staff." But I can't do that, I'm suposed to be learning how to do this stuff, I WANT to learn it, so I do my best and do admit to them that I am incredibly tired.
4. It gets easier, somehow your body figures out, "oh crap, she's not kidding, she is not going to bed anytime soon, I guess we'll keep her up. Unfortunately this has meant that I once woke up at 1:45 am at home and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. My body said, "time to work!" My coworker says I'm still adjusting.
5. I fear permanent brain damage or permanent damage to my sleep schedule. There was some report that they gave mice permanent brain damage from simulating jet lag in them. Essentially I'm flying about 8 time zones away each weekend and then coming back at the end, this seems errily similar, but I'm not a mouse so maybe I'll be OK.
1. Holy crap, give overnight shift people a break, this is really hard, we are not meant to stay up until 9 am. We are meant to sleep in beds next to our partners and children.
2. IQ drops as shift goes on. My first few nights I was positively insane and dumb by the time my shift ended, unable to really form a sentance that made sense to any one else. It doesn't quite get that bad, but I find myself making little mistakes more and more as the night goes on; turning the wrong way down a hall, leaving my keys places, forgetting some needed item, forgetting what things I need to do next.
3. Insanity rises. I start out as mostly sane, maybe around 10% insanity that's just always there. I'd say my mental state slowly turns into some kind of mild rapidly cycling bi-polar disorder. Not enough to interfear with my job really, but I do remember looking in one hallway once around 5 am one shift and I suddenly thought, "This is the Shining." And that was incredibly funny to me, "all work and no play makes me a dull girl," I thought. I imagined going crazy and running around the house with an axe. But then I'll have these times sitting at my desk that are suddenly filled with dread and anxiety, and I have no idea why. It's like my body knows I'm away from my family at a weird time and is like, "did they die? Did they abandon you? Where are your loved ones? Not here. You are all alone, forever." Luckily I'm rational and I know these feelings are totally incorrect, but I feel them, and then they pass. What's really bad is that around 6 am people start getting up and actually want to talk to me and process things with me and tell me their troubles and I have to really concentrate and try to not say something really, really stupid. usually I want to say, "OMG, I have no idea! Crap, that sucks, sheesh, look, I can barely think right now, save it for morning staff." But I can't do that, I'm suposed to be learning how to do this stuff, I WANT to learn it, so I do my best and do admit to them that I am incredibly tired.
4. It gets easier, somehow your body figures out, "oh crap, she's not kidding, she is not going to bed anytime soon, I guess we'll keep her up. Unfortunately this has meant that I once woke up at 1:45 am at home and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. My body said, "time to work!" My coworker says I'm still adjusting.
5. I fear permanent brain damage or permanent damage to my sleep schedule. There was some report that they gave mice permanent brain damage from simulating jet lag in them. Essentially I'm flying about 8 time zones away each weekend and then coming back at the end, this seems errily similar, but I'm not a mouse so maybe I'll be OK.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
What Long Term Therapy is Like
I'm in recovery from depression, anxiety, and co-dependancy. I've been in therapy on and off, but mostly on for about 15 years. I like to think of my therapy now as getting rid of maladaptive behaviors. I had a lot of maladaptive behaviors. I used to get agoraphopic, have panic attacks, sleep awfully and at weird times, eat not enough or too much, date the wrong people, care about what the wrong people thought too much, take on other peoples problems, be influenced by other peoples feelings too much, and basically not live MY life how I really wanted to live it, I also had a temper, I still do, but few inantimate object get broken and yelled at now, and it causes me less distress than before. I also took nearly every psyche med known to man at one time or another (that could be a whole different blog post!).
I've come to realize that I hate diagnoses. I never fit one well enough, and I had it change too much, and you know what, your diagnoses doesn't really matter. And what you have isn't that different than what everyone else experiences, it's just that you experience it to the point where you are distressed enough by it to go seek out a psychiatrist or therapist.
So I didn't really click well with therapy until around 2009 when I was finally done dating total assholes. I wish my therapist had just say me down back in 2005 and said, "look, your boyfriend is a shithead, for godssake, dump his ass, you could do so much beter, he is bringing you WAY down." But therapists aren't supposed to say stuff like that.
So I did a bunch of truama therapy and and found a good therapist that deals a lot with co-dependancy issues. I'm not cured, but I have a way better grip on what exactly my form of maladaptive behavior takes and where it comes from. Knowing hepls a lot but it doesn't cure it all the way. For instance now I can say, "oh shit, I'm caught in a shame spiral!" But I'm still bad at preventing a shame spiral or getting out of it without a full blown anxiety atack and a small dose of anti-anxiety med. I fully embrace the possibility of making a mistake, but do really bad at the "after the mistake we..." part of it. I have to reassure myself a lot.
What is really great is that I finally actually feel like I'm a pretty great person. Deep down I do have this great self-esteem, but I've lived inside this framework of low self-esteem and caring too much about the thoughts and actions of others that it is hard to break out of the old habits for good. For now at least.
The kind of awesome, and kind of crappy part of this is that a lot of my therapy now is not how to deal with my own maladaptive behaviors, but how to deal with all of you guys' maladaptive behaviors, yes YOU, you reading this right now. Everyone has at least one silly thing they do that does not help them and influences someone like me who is highly influenced by others' feelings and actions. This includes people I love dearly, even my own husband.
But honestly you all have no idea how much I think about all the projecting you all do.
I've also noticed how much anger people have, some of you have WAY more than others too. Anger is something I've lowered a lot in myself, and I do get fed up with things sometimes and then bitch about them. But, seriously, some of you are loose cannons poised to be set off into angry mode and the first sniff of something being not quite right. You don't seem to get the concept of expecting the best in people and that everyone is trying to do their best. There are a few of you have have seriously thought about blocking on facebook just because of how many times you have turned my words into a fight when I wasn't looking for a fight at all. Then I spend way too much time just trying to NOT fight with you while you are fighting with me and then eventually I just stop, or sometimes you do.
I am very surprized at how much de-escalation I must do sometimes. This is something I did not notice a few years ago when I was a very angry person myself.
There are a lot of people who need to take a breather and assume that people mean the best. You waste so much energy on creating arguments with people that aren't even there. And then you often lable yourself as the "victim."
And I also notice some of you who are actually really awesome at not doing this, you get your point accross without personally attacking people, you patiently explain things, you only get really angry when something is truely awful. You roll with the punches and don't let the actions of others rule your life. Congrats. I wish it was appropriate to send out a little e-Card saying, "I've noticed you seem to have good mental health!"
What I'm trying to get at is that I feel like after having been in so much therapy and after spending a lot of time on introspection and comtemplating what really is the best way to live a happy life that I can see the opposite in other people. And I see it a lot, because we are kind of a fucked up human race right now (no judgment, I've been there).
So now I spend my therapy sessions talking about how to deal with the other crazy people in my life, instead of dealing with my own crazy. Because my own crazy is a lot better now. Not totally better, but a lot better. Oh and I hate the word crazy used by anyone but me if referring to me (crazy, right?) so don't think this means you get to call me crazy. I will not want to hang with you if you do.
I've come to realize that I hate diagnoses. I never fit one well enough, and I had it change too much, and you know what, your diagnoses doesn't really matter. And what you have isn't that different than what everyone else experiences, it's just that you experience it to the point where you are distressed enough by it to go seek out a psychiatrist or therapist.
So I didn't really click well with therapy until around 2009 when I was finally done dating total assholes. I wish my therapist had just say me down back in 2005 and said, "look, your boyfriend is a shithead, for godssake, dump his ass, you could do so much beter, he is bringing you WAY down." But therapists aren't supposed to say stuff like that.
So I did a bunch of truama therapy and and found a good therapist that deals a lot with co-dependancy issues. I'm not cured, but I have a way better grip on what exactly my form of maladaptive behavior takes and where it comes from. Knowing hepls a lot but it doesn't cure it all the way. For instance now I can say, "oh shit, I'm caught in a shame spiral!" But I'm still bad at preventing a shame spiral or getting out of it without a full blown anxiety atack and a small dose of anti-anxiety med. I fully embrace the possibility of making a mistake, but do really bad at the "after the mistake we..." part of it. I have to reassure myself a lot.
What is really great is that I finally actually feel like I'm a pretty great person. Deep down I do have this great self-esteem, but I've lived inside this framework of low self-esteem and caring too much about the thoughts and actions of others that it is hard to break out of the old habits for good. For now at least.
The kind of awesome, and kind of crappy part of this is that a lot of my therapy now is not how to deal with my own maladaptive behaviors, but how to deal with all of you guys' maladaptive behaviors, yes YOU, you reading this right now. Everyone has at least one silly thing they do that does not help them and influences someone like me who is highly influenced by others' feelings and actions. This includes people I love dearly, even my own husband.
But honestly you all have no idea how much I think about all the projecting you all do.
I've also noticed how much anger people have, some of you have WAY more than others too. Anger is something I've lowered a lot in myself, and I do get fed up with things sometimes and then bitch about them. But, seriously, some of you are loose cannons poised to be set off into angry mode and the first sniff of something being not quite right. You don't seem to get the concept of expecting the best in people and that everyone is trying to do their best. There are a few of you have have seriously thought about blocking on facebook just because of how many times you have turned my words into a fight when I wasn't looking for a fight at all. Then I spend way too much time just trying to NOT fight with you while you are fighting with me and then eventually I just stop, or sometimes you do.
I am very surprized at how much de-escalation I must do sometimes. This is something I did not notice a few years ago when I was a very angry person myself.
There are a lot of people who need to take a breather and assume that people mean the best. You waste so much energy on creating arguments with people that aren't even there. And then you often lable yourself as the "victim."
And I also notice some of you who are actually really awesome at not doing this, you get your point accross without personally attacking people, you patiently explain things, you only get really angry when something is truely awful. You roll with the punches and don't let the actions of others rule your life. Congrats. I wish it was appropriate to send out a little e-Card saying, "I've noticed you seem to have good mental health!"
What I'm trying to get at is that I feel like after having been in so much therapy and after spending a lot of time on introspection and comtemplating what really is the best way to live a happy life that I can see the opposite in other people. And I see it a lot, because we are kind of a fucked up human race right now (no judgment, I've been there).
So now I spend my therapy sessions talking about how to deal with the other crazy people in my life, instead of dealing with my own crazy. Because my own crazy is a lot better now. Not totally better, but a lot better. Oh and I hate the word crazy used by anyone but me if referring to me (crazy, right?) so don't think this means you get to call me crazy. I will not want to hang with you if you do.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
I Had The Hair Ripped From My Crotch and I'm Never Doing It Again
Don't diss it until you try it. I guess that was my motto.
Maybe this is too personal, but I don't do a lot of cleaning up of my body hair. In the summer I try to keep up with the lower legs and the arm pits, but that's about it. I know that a lot of you ladies shave your bikini lines or even shave all of your pubic hair off, and some of you get it waxed off, sometimes regularly. I don't even have the excuse of having fine or light colored body hair, I just don't care enough.
But some of my women friends have said how losing that pubic hair can enhance sexual pleasure. This perked my ears a little, but I didn't do anything about it. I've stared down into my own bush with razor in hand wondering, "how the heck do you even DO this?" I've done some light touch ups with a razor, which gave me an awful prickly sensation just a few hours later. At some point I declared that I would never go down there with a razor ever again but would possibly think about waxing. With waxing you don't get the prickly sensation after.
Years went by...
Then my awesome friend announced she had a friend training in beauty school and was going to host a waxing party. I said I'd get my legs done and was interested in a bikini wax too. My friend also said she was going to try the bikini wax! Yay, well if she was going to do it, I was going to do it. And this was all going to be at a party too, fun for all!
We had a waxing party with three of us getting waxed and a couple on lookers telling us we were crazy. We started with the legs. Getting your legs waxed barely hurts. No problems there, the three of us got half-leg waxes and our legs were nice and smooth.
Then the nether regions were going to get done. And we aren't the kind of people to do this in privet, we closed the blinds, but this WAS a party after all, and we were new to this. A massage table was set up in the middle of the living room. My friend who arranged the whole party went first. I held her hand.
I could tell she was in a lot of pain, but there was also a lot of laughter and some drinks were going around too. Bikini waxing takes a bit, maybe even 30 mins, maybe more? There's a lot of hair down there. Finally my friend was done and it was my turn.
I went with the "landing strip" which means she clears all the hair except for a long rectangular strip of it in the center. The cosmetologist says that that's what she gets. She also told me she does it to her self. Holy crap. Now that, I could never do.
And then she started by trimming the extra long hairs. And then the real shit began. I was committed to getting through this. I kept saying that I had had a natural childbirth without a water tub, so this should be no problem.
I can only describe what happened to me as something close to consensual torture. Having the hair ripped from your crotch hurts A LOT, but only for a few seconds, then it hurts just a little for a long time. But these intense, few-second-long, torture times are frequent. More frequent than labor contractions, and at some point through it your not sure if the "prize" of a well manicured nether region is worth it. You start dreading every rip. Your neurotransmitters are going crazy in your head, you feel high, and then it's over.
I did it! I got my very first bikini wax! Woo! Then I had to go home to get some sleep. I had red spots all over my bikini area and was told that it was normal and would fade in a day or two. If that had really happened, I might have though this was worth it, but instead I got red spots that lasted for weeks, and I got several infected hair follicles that didn't fully heal for months. Basically it messed up my nether regions for a while.
Apparently I got the worst of it, my friends said they didn't have as much issues as I did. I must have more sensitive skin. Anyway, it made me not keen on the idea of ever doing it again.
And I noticed no difference in sexual pleasure either.
Hats off to you ladies who do this regularly. How you deal with the price and the pain is beyond me. I do hope that YOU like it and your not just doing it because you think someone else is going to like it. I can say that no one has ever looked at my untamed bush and gone, "I thought I liked you, but now that I see this, I'm getting out of here."
Maybe this is too personal, but I don't do a lot of cleaning up of my body hair. In the summer I try to keep up with the lower legs and the arm pits, but that's about it. I know that a lot of you ladies shave your bikini lines or even shave all of your pubic hair off, and some of you get it waxed off, sometimes regularly. I don't even have the excuse of having fine or light colored body hair, I just don't care enough.
But some of my women friends have said how losing that pubic hair can enhance sexual pleasure. This perked my ears a little, but I didn't do anything about it. I've stared down into my own bush with razor in hand wondering, "how the heck do you even DO this?" I've done some light touch ups with a razor, which gave me an awful prickly sensation just a few hours later. At some point I declared that I would never go down there with a razor ever again but would possibly think about waxing. With waxing you don't get the prickly sensation after.
Years went by...
Then my awesome friend announced she had a friend training in beauty school and was going to host a waxing party. I said I'd get my legs done and was interested in a bikini wax too. My friend also said she was going to try the bikini wax! Yay, well if she was going to do it, I was going to do it. And this was all going to be at a party too, fun for all!
We had a waxing party with three of us getting waxed and a couple on lookers telling us we were crazy. We started with the legs. Getting your legs waxed barely hurts. No problems there, the three of us got half-leg waxes and our legs were nice and smooth.
Then the nether regions were going to get done. And we aren't the kind of people to do this in privet, we closed the blinds, but this WAS a party after all, and we were new to this. A massage table was set up in the middle of the living room. My friend who arranged the whole party went first. I held her hand.
I could tell she was in a lot of pain, but there was also a lot of laughter and some drinks were going around too. Bikini waxing takes a bit, maybe even 30 mins, maybe more? There's a lot of hair down there. Finally my friend was done and it was my turn.
I went with the "landing strip" which means she clears all the hair except for a long rectangular strip of it in the center. The cosmetologist says that that's what she gets. She also told me she does it to her self. Holy crap. Now that, I could never do.
And then she started by trimming the extra long hairs. And then the real shit began. I was committed to getting through this. I kept saying that I had had a natural childbirth without a water tub, so this should be no problem.
I can only describe what happened to me as something close to consensual torture. Having the hair ripped from your crotch hurts A LOT, but only for a few seconds, then it hurts just a little for a long time. But these intense, few-second-long, torture times are frequent. More frequent than labor contractions, and at some point through it your not sure if the "prize" of a well manicured nether region is worth it. You start dreading every rip. Your neurotransmitters are going crazy in your head, you feel high, and then it's over.
I did it! I got my very first bikini wax! Woo! Then I had to go home to get some sleep. I had red spots all over my bikini area and was told that it was normal and would fade in a day or two. If that had really happened, I might have though this was worth it, but instead I got red spots that lasted for weeks, and I got several infected hair follicles that didn't fully heal for months. Basically it messed up my nether regions for a while.
Apparently I got the worst of it, my friends said they didn't have as much issues as I did. I must have more sensitive skin. Anyway, it made me not keen on the idea of ever doing it again.
And I noticed no difference in sexual pleasure either.
Hats off to you ladies who do this regularly. How you deal with the price and the pain is beyond me. I do hope that YOU like it and your not just doing it because you think someone else is going to like it. I can say that no one has ever looked at my untamed bush and gone, "I thought I liked you, but now that I see this, I'm getting out of here."
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What it's like to Have an Anxiety Disorder That Flares Up During PMS
It starts with a little thing like not being able to sleep very well one night. Your mind is racing and you can't turn off the thoughts. You remember that you have a pill to help you with this very thing, you take it, but part of you is like... "but my anxiety has been better since the beginning of October! Why am I taking a pill in mid-November? Am I a failure in recovery?" Because chances are if you have an anxiety disorder you have other issues going on with your self-esteem and your perfectionism and probably other things too.
Yes. You think that every time your anxiety gets better that it should be better... FOREVER... dammit. Right? I mean, I got through it before, I should be cured for life! The reality is that you will probably have it flare up here and there for life to varying degrees. It will hopefully not be debilitating like it was 10 years ago when you were sometimes afraid to leave your room, but it is there. Two good months and you think you've solved it all, and this is wrong.
Then one night while getting ready for work you have these terrible thoughts. Your husband and child are safely asleep in bed and you think, "what if my husband dies in his sleep and my son wakes up all alone and cries for hours and hours until I get home?" It's a ridiculous thought. Your husband is healthy, in fact he's probably above average in health, even regularly goes to the dentist and everything. But this thought just will not leave you. No matter how much you tell yourself that the chance of this happening is slim to none, you can't stop thinking about it. And you find yourself panicking and feeling like you will never be able to leave for work, in fact you will never work again, you will never be able to leave your child alone with anyone ever again. How will life go on?
You take your anti-anxiety pill again, because if you didn't, you would sob through work, you give yourself a little pep talk about the extreme health of your husband, and you go to work. While at work, you see a newborn baby crying on a commercial for like 3 seconds on TV and you cry because you can't pick up that baby and hold it and make it stop crying.
Then the next day after your son's nap, you bring him to the potty, to pee, because that is what he's done most days after nap for a while. But today he screams and refuses and he cries, but you feel determined, and you try again, and then you give up finally and put his diaper back on and he immediately pees in it. A normal reaction, would be "well I guess he wanted to go in his diaper, that's what they are there for after all." But this is not your reaction. Your reaction is to stomp out of the room and cry on the couch about how you have failed as a mother. How you must be confusing your child over the potty, how you have failed at elimination communication, how he will probably be in diapers for years, but how you just CAN'T IMAGINE handling diapers for even 6 more months.
Your husband, who is really a swell guy, tells you that you didn't fail, that you are actually doing a really good job, how you didn't fail at elimination communication, it helped prevent diaper rash after all. He probably should just say something like, "stop crying you crazy woman, you are amazing and you are way too hard on yourself! The kid is going to do what the kids is going to do, let's go to the park!" But he's a nice guy and would never say anything like that. At least not like that.
And then the next day your period starts, and then, and only then, for some silly reason, you realize that the last few crazy days were from your goddamn womanly hormonal changes. You realize that you don't always do all the things you did those last few days, you pretty much only do them a few days out of the month right before your period comes. And you think about charting it to actually prove it, but you'll forget by next week when you are feeling way better.
Yes. You think that every time your anxiety gets better that it should be better... FOREVER... dammit. Right? I mean, I got through it before, I should be cured for life! The reality is that you will probably have it flare up here and there for life to varying degrees. It will hopefully not be debilitating like it was 10 years ago when you were sometimes afraid to leave your room, but it is there. Two good months and you think you've solved it all, and this is wrong.
Then one night while getting ready for work you have these terrible thoughts. Your husband and child are safely asleep in bed and you think, "what if my husband dies in his sleep and my son wakes up all alone and cries for hours and hours until I get home?" It's a ridiculous thought. Your husband is healthy, in fact he's probably above average in health, even regularly goes to the dentist and everything. But this thought just will not leave you. No matter how much you tell yourself that the chance of this happening is slim to none, you can't stop thinking about it. And you find yourself panicking and feeling like you will never be able to leave for work, in fact you will never work again, you will never be able to leave your child alone with anyone ever again. How will life go on?
You take your anti-anxiety pill again, because if you didn't, you would sob through work, you give yourself a little pep talk about the extreme health of your husband, and you go to work. While at work, you see a newborn baby crying on a commercial for like 3 seconds on TV and you cry because you can't pick up that baby and hold it and make it stop crying.
Then the next day after your son's nap, you bring him to the potty, to pee, because that is what he's done most days after nap for a while. But today he screams and refuses and he cries, but you feel determined, and you try again, and then you give up finally and put his diaper back on and he immediately pees in it. A normal reaction, would be "well I guess he wanted to go in his diaper, that's what they are there for after all." But this is not your reaction. Your reaction is to stomp out of the room and cry on the couch about how you have failed as a mother. How you must be confusing your child over the potty, how you have failed at elimination communication, how he will probably be in diapers for years, but how you just CAN'T IMAGINE handling diapers for even 6 more months.
Your husband, who is really a swell guy, tells you that you didn't fail, that you are actually doing a really good job, how you didn't fail at elimination communication, it helped prevent diaper rash after all. He probably should just say something like, "stop crying you crazy woman, you are amazing and you are way too hard on yourself! The kid is going to do what the kids is going to do, let's go to the park!" But he's a nice guy and would never say anything like that. At least not like that.
And then the next day your period starts, and then, and only then, for some silly reason, you realize that the last few crazy days were from your goddamn womanly hormonal changes. You realize that you don't always do all the things you did those last few days, you pretty much only do them a few days out of the month right before your period comes. And you think about charting it to actually prove it, but you'll forget by next week when you are feeling way better.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I'm Bad With Clothes
So this anxiety dates way back to at least middle school when my clothes brought some unwanted teasing from my peers. Before age 11 I basically wore stuff to keep covered and warm, if I needed a shirt, I wore a shirt, I had no reason to care what was on the shirt or how the shirt fit. Suddenly after being teased about my lack of style or care for my clothing and some extreme pressure from people to "try to fit in, goddamn it Andrea, we are sick of you coming to the office with bullying complaints," I tried to *care* about what I wore.
And I failed. In stead, mostly on my own, I learned to not care what others thought of me, which is what the damn school counselors should have told me in the first place. It was a SLOW process, one that is still taking shape as I stand firm in my political and parenting beliefs and try to not take crap from people who don't agree with me. Luckily I have found some allies. Its hard being the only one.
Every once in a while in high school and college I would feel like I found a style of wardrobe, but mostly jeans and sweaters and tees were good enough. Eventually I did find a love for skirts in the summer, figured out exactly which shoes I would actually wear, and made less bad purchases.
Then I got pregnant. And I HATED maternity wear. You know what maternity wear was for me? It was basically, "doesn't fit your ass or boobs wear." Apparently maternity wear makers don't fit people like me, I found one pair of capris that would stay up. Maternity pants were basically a joke, I did better wearing my pre-pregnancy pants with a Bella Band, but that was still not so great. I was previously excited about cute maternity tops that fit below the breasts and accentuate your growing belly, but I found that anything "cute" wasn't cut big enough in the breasts to fit me properly (I got up to a 40DD during pregnancy). And often tops that fit my shoulders wouldn't make it all the way over my boobs and belly. I was simply bigger in the boobs and belly than my frame was telling the clothing manufacturers I was.
The one thing that did usually work were the maternity dresses. Next time around I'm skipping pants all together, maternity pants were just not meant for me. I never bought maternity underwear and I'm still confused about it, I did, however, stretch all my underwear out, so I'm definitely going to buy a few pairs of larger underwear next time. You get bigger, but your belly really doesn't effect the underwear area, I'm convinced that maternity underwear is a scam.
So that was my crazy maternity wear experience.
Then I gave birth. And I SHRANK! Holy crap did I shrink. They told me to buy nursing bras in my 8th month of pregnancy... so WRONG. I bought a couple 40DD nursing bras that were way too loose on me by 2 or 3 months post partum. I say don't even worry about wearing a bra until you are 3 months post partum, then go bra shopping at that point. Or get cheap "sport" bras from target that actually don't have enough support for sport. I pretty much wore only those for the first year of my son's life. I hated dealing with the clasp on the nursing bra anyway and often didn't even use it, just slipped my boob out when needed. Personally, I think nursing bras could be skipped, though do stay away from under wire bras, which can lower milk supply. Nursing bras are definitely NOT a must have; which I wish someone would have told me while I was pregnant, because I stressed about it too much, having some interesting experiences in changing rooms while very emotional.
And don't even get me started on nursing tops, just skip them, they are stupid and you won't even use them properly, you'll just yank them up to get the baby food ASAP.
So there you have it, a woman who loves breastfeeding but who hates the stupid nursing bras and tops.
Then I kept shrinking, ending up at a size 8 (10 in most dresses), when before pregnancy I was a size 12. This also means that I went from a size large shirt to a size medium, which was the first time I had the experience of my tops being too roomy (big boobs since age 18 or so). There are only a handful of things that really fit me properly from my pre-pregnancy days.
I really am starting over. And this is causing me too much stress. I did buy some tee-shirts this summer, and a few pairs of pants that fit right and a few other things, but really I need more. All of my sweaters are dumpy on me now. I have one skirt that fits, no casual dresses, one pair of shorts, one pair of capris. And I really only have one good fitting bra.
I'm also probably going to get pregnant again in the next 6-12 months, and then who knows where my body will be when I stop losing weight from breastfeeding that baby. And what will happen when I'm all done with breastfeeding forever? I'll probably be in my mid thirties and maybe my metabolism will slow down more and I'll gain some weight back. I guess I can just buy more clothes if this all happens. I need to not worry so much about the future shape of my body and I should work on fitting clothes for the shape of me now.
So what to buy? I want to keep it minimal, but I want enough, and I want the pieces to be inter-changeable, but still look nice and be able to be dressed up or down. Part of me is excited too, but I feel this freeze response kicking in and I'm wondering if I'll be able to actually go shop and spend.
My plan is to make a list of items I need and then to just get it done, once this winter and once this spring, BAM, new wardrobe. The list will be a little hard for me. My plan is to look nicer with less clothes, not an easy feat. But I think I'm finally willing to spend a bit more for quality items. I may hide a few rattier items in the basement for while the next baby is spitting up a lot (don't wear nice clothes while you have an infant). But I'm still unwilling to do dry cleaning, so I have to avoid that.
Alright I'll keep you posted!
And I failed. In stead, mostly on my own, I learned to not care what others thought of me, which is what the damn school counselors should have told me in the first place. It was a SLOW process, one that is still taking shape as I stand firm in my political and parenting beliefs and try to not take crap from people who don't agree with me. Luckily I have found some allies. Its hard being the only one.
Every once in a while in high school and college I would feel like I found a style of wardrobe, but mostly jeans and sweaters and tees were good enough. Eventually I did find a love for skirts in the summer, figured out exactly which shoes I would actually wear, and made less bad purchases.
Then I got pregnant. And I HATED maternity wear. You know what maternity wear was for me? It was basically, "doesn't fit your ass or boobs wear." Apparently maternity wear makers don't fit people like me, I found one pair of capris that would stay up. Maternity pants were basically a joke, I did better wearing my pre-pregnancy pants with a Bella Band, but that was still not so great. I was previously excited about cute maternity tops that fit below the breasts and accentuate your growing belly, but I found that anything "cute" wasn't cut big enough in the breasts to fit me properly (I got up to a 40DD during pregnancy). And often tops that fit my shoulders wouldn't make it all the way over my boobs and belly. I was simply bigger in the boobs and belly than my frame was telling the clothing manufacturers I was.
The one thing that did usually work were the maternity dresses. Next time around I'm skipping pants all together, maternity pants were just not meant for me. I never bought maternity underwear and I'm still confused about it, I did, however, stretch all my underwear out, so I'm definitely going to buy a few pairs of larger underwear next time. You get bigger, but your belly really doesn't effect the underwear area, I'm convinced that maternity underwear is a scam.
So that was my crazy maternity wear experience.
Then I gave birth. And I SHRANK! Holy crap did I shrink. They told me to buy nursing bras in my 8th month of pregnancy... so WRONG. I bought a couple 40DD nursing bras that were way too loose on me by 2 or 3 months post partum. I say don't even worry about wearing a bra until you are 3 months post partum, then go bra shopping at that point. Or get cheap "sport" bras from target that actually don't have enough support for sport. I pretty much wore only those for the first year of my son's life. I hated dealing with the clasp on the nursing bra anyway and often didn't even use it, just slipped my boob out when needed. Personally, I think nursing bras could be skipped, though do stay away from under wire bras, which can lower milk supply. Nursing bras are definitely NOT a must have; which I wish someone would have told me while I was pregnant, because I stressed about it too much, having some interesting experiences in changing rooms while very emotional.
And don't even get me started on nursing tops, just skip them, they are stupid and you won't even use them properly, you'll just yank them up to get the baby food ASAP.
So there you have it, a woman who loves breastfeeding but who hates the stupid nursing bras and tops.
Then I kept shrinking, ending up at a size 8 (10 in most dresses), when before pregnancy I was a size 12. This also means that I went from a size large shirt to a size medium, which was the first time I had the experience of my tops being too roomy (big boobs since age 18 or so). There are only a handful of things that really fit me properly from my pre-pregnancy days.
I really am starting over. And this is causing me too much stress. I did buy some tee-shirts this summer, and a few pairs of pants that fit right and a few other things, but really I need more. All of my sweaters are dumpy on me now. I have one skirt that fits, no casual dresses, one pair of shorts, one pair of capris. And I really only have one good fitting bra.
I'm also probably going to get pregnant again in the next 6-12 months, and then who knows where my body will be when I stop losing weight from breastfeeding that baby. And what will happen when I'm all done with breastfeeding forever? I'll probably be in my mid thirties and maybe my metabolism will slow down more and I'll gain some weight back. I guess I can just buy more clothes if this all happens. I need to not worry so much about the future shape of my body and I should work on fitting clothes for the shape of me now.
So what to buy? I want to keep it minimal, but I want enough, and I want the pieces to be inter-changeable, but still look nice and be able to be dressed up or down. Part of me is excited too, but I feel this freeze response kicking in and I'm wondering if I'll be able to actually go shop and spend.
My plan is to make a list of items I need and then to just get it done, once this winter and once this spring, BAM, new wardrobe. The list will be a little hard for me. My plan is to look nicer with less clothes, not an easy feat. But I think I'm finally willing to spend a bit more for quality items. I may hide a few rattier items in the basement for while the next baby is spitting up a lot (don't wear nice clothes while you have an infant). But I'm still unwilling to do dry cleaning, so I have to avoid that.
Alright I'll keep you posted!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Minimizing Life, Bathroom Episode!
I'm on a quest to minimalistic living. I'd like to call my quest Minimalism with a Twist. I call it that because the minimalist web logs and pages I've visited that show pictures of their homes look WAY too empty. I don't want empty, I just want everything to have a place and for everything to have a purpose, even if the purpose is just to look pretty on the wall.
I don't want to own clothes I don't wear, or books I don't read or toiletries I don't use. I want to use up what I do have, enjoy what I have right now, and get rid of anything I don't like or that I don't use.
I started with the bathroom. I really should have gotten before pictures, but I didn't. I threw out anything that was expired, old, un-useful to me, or redundant (I don't need that many little bottles of lotion, just a couple. I got rid of a few more towels (I had previously ditched quite a few).
I'm working on our 2nd bedroom that is actually an extension of our living room, which we call "the study" which is actually more of a playroom and reading area.
I don't want to own clothes I don't wear, or books I don't read or toiletries I don't use. I want to use up what I do have, enjoy what I have right now, and get rid of anything I don't like or that I don't use.
I started with the bathroom. I really should have gotten before pictures, but I didn't. I threw out anything that was expired, old, un-useful to me, or redundant (I don't need that many little bottles of lotion, just a couple. I got rid of a few more towels (I had previously ditched quite a few).
Here is the sink. The medicine cabinet is fairly full, but with stuff we use. There's only hand soap, lotion, cotton rounds, and toothbrushes on the vanity. Everything else found a place in the cabinet uncluttered.
Here's the area I could declutter more, but it's fine for now. Towels and extra TP, and various other things that don't fit nicely into the medicine cabinet. The bag with the orange handle and zipper on the left contains the only make-up I own, the green one behind it has all my nail care stuff.
By the toilet. Just a small trash can, a scale, a potty insert for the toddler, and one box of tub toys.
Under the sink. A few cleaning supplies, a couple travel toiletry bags, some extra soaps, my hair dryer, and I even had room to fit the extra cat litter and the plunger and toilet brush... out of sight, out of mind, and unavailable to the toddler.
Three towels hanging, one for each family member, though there is another on the door, and the kitty litter box with nothing else next to it, so nothing else will get full of kitty litter!!
I should say that my tub has a tension pole shower caddy that holds everything one would need for a bath or shower. I moved some stuff there that I forgot I had, so now it is easily accessible for use during my next bath.
I'm working on our 2nd bedroom that is actually an extension of our living room, which we call "the study" which is actually more of a playroom and reading area.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wait for it... wait for it...
Baby fever is upon me a little. I am not ready for another baby, but I'm getting ready to be ready for another baby. I have come up with a list of criteria I want met before I try to get pregnant again.
1. I want my first baby potty trained.
No way do I want two in diapers and no way do I want to try to potty train while pregnant. Pregnancy sucked for me and I imagine potty training while pregnant will mean lots of crying and screaming.
2. I want my first baby saying some words and maybe a sentance or two.
I need to be able to talk to my first baby a little before I have another on the way. I don't want two who aren't talking. I need to know what's going on with my first more before I get a second in the picture.
3. I want to have been with my current employer for a while.
I'm thinking at least 6 months before getting knocked up. It just seems like a good thing career-wise.
4. If I end up going to China this summer, I don't want to be pregnant while in China.
I was nauseated 24/7 for 6 weeks of my last first trimester, I don't need to add international travel to that. Nor do I want traveler's diarrhea added to it. And I want to be breastfeeding my first while in China because it will make it safer for him. Not sure about breastfeeding through pregnancy at this point, so might as well put it off.
5. I want to be 24 months post partum. It takes 2 years to fully recover from childbirth and pregnancy. I'm still building up my calcium stores. Maybe I'd be willing at 23 months, but really, I'd like to wait until after my current child's 2nd birthday.
So my best guess at a birthday for number 2 would be February to May of 2014. Other things could definitely get in the way of this, for instance my husband's job pursuits.
I can't wait, but I want to wait at the same time, it's such an odd place, and sometimes I can't believe I'm going to do it again, sometimes I definitely do not want to do it again. I swear the next time around will be better, but maybe this is delusion.
1. I want my first baby potty trained.
No way do I want two in diapers and no way do I want to try to potty train while pregnant. Pregnancy sucked for me and I imagine potty training while pregnant will mean lots of crying and screaming.
2. I want my first baby saying some words and maybe a sentance or two.
I need to be able to talk to my first baby a little before I have another on the way. I don't want two who aren't talking. I need to know what's going on with my first more before I get a second in the picture.
3. I want to have been with my current employer for a while.
I'm thinking at least 6 months before getting knocked up. It just seems like a good thing career-wise.
4. If I end up going to China this summer, I don't want to be pregnant while in China.
I was nauseated 24/7 for 6 weeks of my last first trimester, I don't need to add international travel to that. Nor do I want traveler's diarrhea added to it. And I want to be breastfeeding my first while in China because it will make it safer for him. Not sure about breastfeeding through pregnancy at this point, so might as well put it off.
5. I want to be 24 months post partum. It takes 2 years to fully recover from childbirth and pregnancy. I'm still building up my calcium stores. Maybe I'd be willing at 23 months, but really, I'd like to wait until after my current child's 2nd birthday.
So my best guess at a birthday for number 2 would be February to May of 2014. Other things could definitely get in the way of this, for instance my husband's job pursuits.
I can't wait, but I want to wait at the same time, it's such an odd place, and sometimes I can't believe I'm going to do it again, sometimes I definitely do not want to do it again. I swear the next time around will be better, but maybe this is delusion.
Monday, October 29, 2012
We All Need to Calm Down About Occasional Pot Use
First of all, I will neither confirm nor deny my own usage of marijuana. Being that it is illegal in my country I feel a need to just not talk about my own personal experience or lack thereof.
I'm also not going to get into the whole political part of it. The war on drugs is a mostly racist program that other people should definitely write about. I'm against incarceration for victimless crimes; petty possession of drugs and stuff like that. I also think marijuana (from here on out called "pot") should be decriminalized because of this. I'm going to focus more on what message we send children and teens about drugs and how I think it's kind of bullshit.
Personally I think we need to calm the fuck down about pot. I have known several drug addicts and alcoholics in my lifetime. I get it, drugs can get really out of hand, but for the most part the drug itself isn't to blame, it's the person's genetic background and childhood and environment that turns them into an addict. I mean in no way to make their illness seems less than it is. I'm talking about the majority of people who use pot occasionally.
I was part of the DARE program when I was in school, a program that actually showed to INCREASE drug use among the people who participated in it. It was supposed to teach us to resist drugs, they told us that drugs are everywhere and we just need to say no and be able to tell our friends no and the dealers on the street no. Turns out, for many kids, that actually made it seem like drugs were what everyone was doing, so they might as well do it themselves; resistance is hard, let's just do drugs instead.
What I think we need to do is give kids and teen REAL information about drugs. They don't need scare tactics, they don't need to resist; they need real facts about the dangers and the prevalence of drugs. Lots of people I knew growing up occasionally smoked pot, but it wasn't like I was being offered it everyday, I only once had a guy on the street ask me if I wanted to buy weed (I politely declined), and I didn't know anyone who was high all the time and in need of some serious drug counseling. There were a few who smoked it a bit too much and probably did cause their brain some harm. Pot is actually not so great for a developing brain, neither is alcohol, in fact if you can avoid all brain altering drugs until you are 25, your brain will be happiest. But most of us have already had a drink by 21, so whatcha gunna do?
So what I plan on telling my kids about pot and alcohol is this:
For godsakes, if you are going to do pot, have a reliable source. Some of the scariest stories I have heard are people getting pot that has been laced with something else, this can kill you or make you really sick or go insane temporarily. Find trusted friends who have a trusted dealer. I may know some who know some, but don't think this means you can start smoking pot in this house under my nose!
Your brain is still growing, I know you think you know everything, but pot should be avoided while your brain is maturing, if you do smoke it, keep it to a minimum. Same for alcohol.
If you don't want to do it, that's great, please don't freak out on your friends that are doing it. A polite "no thanks," is good enough. I know you'll hear that you should not even talk to people who do drugs, but really some of the coolest, smartest, most interesting people you will ever meet will be those who do drugs or who are in recovery from chemical addiction. Establish good boundaries with your drug-doing friends and come to me or another trusted adult if you think there is a bigger problem going on. I knew a guy who used to just say, "my body is a temple," and everyone laughed and stopped offering him anything and we were all still friends. Chemical abuse is a little rampant in our society, so chances are you'll meet quite a few, but chances are most who you see doing pot occasionally will not be addicts, learn the difference and accept it all.
Wait until you are in college, but drinking a beer totally helps with paper writing if you are a perfectionist. I would freeze up at the computer screen sometimes and then crack open a beer, try again and punch out a 5 page paper in no time. Proof-read it the next day.
If one hit or one drink is good, two will NOT be twice as good. Best to keep your tolerance low, it will cost you less calories and money later.
Pot is illegal, so if you get caught by the school or the cops there can be some real life consequences, be smart. No one will bother you if it's a couple people in a privet residence, and the fact that you are white makes pot practically legal for you. And don't drive, you know how to use the bus system, you know a cab number, you can crash on someone's floor.
If one of your friends is getting really sick or possibly ODing or has drank ALOT and is passed out and you are worried, for godssake, call 911. You will regret it if you don't. Same for your friends that are drink driving, call 911 and give the license plate number, you could save two lives, including your friend's. An underage/or legal age DUI will not ruin their lives, driving drunk might. If this ever comes up, which is probably won't, but if it does, it might be met with resistance, be the hero, even if you will be the only one who feels that way at the time.
It's always better to NOT injest or smoke any drug that you don't need, same for Tylenol. Drugs will not make your life better or turn you into someone great. Drugs are just drugs. Most of us occasionally consume some of them and most of us do not have problems with it. I promise not to freak out over any discovery of drug use, but I will get you help if you need it.
I'm also not going to get into the whole political part of it. The war on drugs is a mostly racist program that other people should definitely write about. I'm against incarceration for victimless crimes; petty possession of drugs and stuff like that. I also think marijuana (from here on out called "pot") should be decriminalized because of this. I'm going to focus more on what message we send children and teens about drugs and how I think it's kind of bullshit.
Personally I think we need to calm the fuck down about pot. I have known several drug addicts and alcoholics in my lifetime. I get it, drugs can get really out of hand, but for the most part the drug itself isn't to blame, it's the person's genetic background and childhood and environment that turns them into an addict. I mean in no way to make their illness seems less than it is. I'm talking about the majority of people who use pot occasionally.
I was part of the DARE program when I was in school, a program that actually showed to INCREASE drug use among the people who participated in it. It was supposed to teach us to resist drugs, they told us that drugs are everywhere and we just need to say no and be able to tell our friends no and the dealers on the street no. Turns out, for many kids, that actually made it seem like drugs were what everyone was doing, so they might as well do it themselves; resistance is hard, let's just do drugs instead.
What I think we need to do is give kids and teen REAL information about drugs. They don't need scare tactics, they don't need to resist; they need real facts about the dangers and the prevalence of drugs. Lots of people I knew growing up occasionally smoked pot, but it wasn't like I was being offered it everyday, I only once had a guy on the street ask me if I wanted to buy weed (I politely declined), and I didn't know anyone who was high all the time and in need of some serious drug counseling. There were a few who smoked it a bit too much and probably did cause their brain some harm. Pot is actually not so great for a developing brain, neither is alcohol, in fact if you can avoid all brain altering drugs until you are 25, your brain will be happiest. But most of us have already had a drink by 21, so whatcha gunna do?
So what I plan on telling my kids about pot and alcohol is this:
For godsakes, if you are going to do pot, have a reliable source. Some of the scariest stories I have heard are people getting pot that has been laced with something else, this can kill you or make you really sick or go insane temporarily. Find trusted friends who have a trusted dealer. I may know some who know some, but don't think this means you can start smoking pot in this house under my nose!
Your brain is still growing, I know you think you know everything, but pot should be avoided while your brain is maturing, if you do smoke it, keep it to a minimum. Same for alcohol.
If you don't want to do it, that's great, please don't freak out on your friends that are doing it. A polite "no thanks," is good enough. I know you'll hear that you should not even talk to people who do drugs, but really some of the coolest, smartest, most interesting people you will ever meet will be those who do drugs or who are in recovery from chemical addiction. Establish good boundaries with your drug-doing friends and come to me or another trusted adult if you think there is a bigger problem going on. I knew a guy who used to just say, "my body is a temple," and everyone laughed and stopped offering him anything and we were all still friends. Chemical abuse is a little rampant in our society, so chances are you'll meet quite a few, but chances are most who you see doing pot occasionally will not be addicts, learn the difference and accept it all.
Wait until you are in college, but drinking a beer totally helps with paper writing if you are a perfectionist. I would freeze up at the computer screen sometimes and then crack open a beer, try again and punch out a 5 page paper in no time. Proof-read it the next day.
If one hit or one drink is good, two will NOT be twice as good. Best to keep your tolerance low, it will cost you less calories and money later.
Pot is illegal, so if you get caught by the school or the cops there can be some real life consequences, be smart. No one will bother you if it's a couple people in a privet residence, and the fact that you are white makes pot practically legal for you. And don't drive, you know how to use the bus system, you know a cab number, you can crash on someone's floor.
If one of your friends is getting really sick or possibly ODing or has drank ALOT and is passed out and you are worried, for godssake, call 911. You will regret it if you don't. Same for your friends that are drink driving, call 911 and give the license plate number, you could save two lives, including your friend's. An underage/or legal age DUI will not ruin their lives, driving drunk might. If this ever comes up, which is probably won't, but if it does, it might be met with resistance, be the hero, even if you will be the only one who feels that way at the time.
It's always better to NOT injest or smoke any drug that you don't need, same for Tylenol. Drugs will not make your life better or turn you into someone great. Drugs are just drugs. Most of us occasionally consume some of them and most of us do not have problems with it. I promise not to freak out over any discovery of drug use, but I will get you help if you need it.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Food Zen Thoughts
Raw milk advocates
Gluten-free labeling on things that I had no idea people would think contain gluten
0% Trans fat label usually means it has trans fat in it
Farmed Atlantic salmon from Chile (think about it)
Why so many types of crackers? Who eats crackers that often?
Low carb juice (how is this possible?)
Fat free cream cheese and sour cream (why??)
Sugar free candy (Agian, how possiblesss???)
Lard advocates
Coke and Pepsi taste the same, so why is Gatorade so much better than Powerade?
5 Hour Energy more expensive than Frappicino
30 count vitamins (really, you're just going to take that vitamin for one month?)
Raspberries from bush so much better than store-bought raspberries
Bad looking pumpkins for sale at Target for $3.99 a piece
Pumpkins labeled as "Live Pumpkins"
Brats in 5 packs, buns in 6 packs.
Always TWO locations for cheese in stores, FAR apart from each other
Pita bread separated from all other breads, nan gets to be in the bakery, but not pita
You can buy four croissants for $4 or 24 croissants for $6, but nothing in between
Not sure if this totally qualified as zen, but it's the title I decided to go with. No explanation for some of the above, so I guess they can help clear your mind. You are welcome.
Gluten-free labeling on things that I had no idea people would think contain gluten
0% Trans fat label usually means it has trans fat in it
Farmed Atlantic salmon from Chile (think about it)
Why so many types of crackers? Who eats crackers that often?
Low carb juice (how is this possible?)
Fat free cream cheese and sour cream (why??)
Sugar free candy (Agian, how possiblesss???)
Lard advocates
Coke and Pepsi taste the same, so why is Gatorade so much better than Powerade?
5 Hour Energy more expensive than Frappicino
30 count vitamins (really, you're just going to take that vitamin for one month?)
Raspberries from bush so much better than store-bought raspberries
Bad looking pumpkins for sale at Target for $3.99 a piece
Pumpkins labeled as "Live Pumpkins"
Brats in 5 packs, buns in 6 packs.
Always TWO locations for cheese in stores, FAR apart from each other
Pita bread separated from all other breads, nan gets to be in the bakery, but not pita
You can buy four croissants for $4 or 24 croissants for $6, but nothing in between
Not sure if this totally qualified as zen, but it's the title I decided to go with. No explanation for some of the above, so I guess they can help clear your mind. You are welcome.
Not Sure About Re-starting Psyche Meds
I have a confession. I have a new psychiatrist. I haven't had a psychiatrist in about four years. That's not the confession. The confession is that she gave me a prescription for Welbutrin and I haven't filled it yet. I haven't filled it because I feel fine now and I've been managing my anxiety as it comes up with a PRN short acting anti-anxiety med. And I only need it a couple times a week right now and if history says anything, eventually I'll notice that I haven't taken it for a month and then I'll got several months without needing it.
About two and a half years ago I saw a regular doctor about anxiety and he gave me Lexapro (an SSRI I think) and I took it for a few days and it made me feel manic and scatterbrained and I hated it, so I stopped it. I had never had such a strong and immediate negative response to a psyche med before. I've taken nearly all of them (another long story involving some not so great doctors and diagnoses), and honestly, the thing I remember most about them is their lack of doing... anything. Sometimes they felt like sugar pills, sometimes they just gave me headaches, sometimes they made me tired for a few days, every once in a while I felt some mild relief from depression, but then it would eventually stop doing that as well. And on a couple of them the withdrawal from missing just one dose was extremely bad. There is one that I will absolutely never take again only because the withdrawal from it was so bad that it made the actual good effects of the drug not worth it (and it took me several very annoying months with lots of symptoms to get off of it).
I'm also nervous because I was on a lot of meds during some very important brain development time. And I wonder if my strong reaction to the one SSRI after being off everything for a few years has anything to do with this. Actually I wonder if it's why I sometimes feel my brain acts strangely sometimes (I get random vertigo occasionally and feel like a few things are mis-wired). Not to mention possible liver or kidney problems that can come from meds that are broken down there. I kind of wonder if I should just be done with any long term psyche meds. I was feeling pretty crappy in September... but it passed. It didn't stick around for months and months. I will probably need the occasional short-term acting anti-anxiety for many years to come, but I think that's all I want to do.
I kind of feel like; been there, done that, I'm going to try vitamins and exercise and therapy and writing now. I still want to have a psychiatrist, just in case I need one for consult, especially during any future pregnancies. I took ZERO psyche meds during my first pregnancy and I don't regret that, in fact it was a goal and I made it and I can say that I did it, but it was NOT easy, especially when wine and cigarettes are also not allowed. I want options for the next one, I at least want to be able to talk with someone who knows the latest research and can guide me through it. But I think I might make a future appointment in a few months and tell her I actually don't think I need the Welbutrin. That I was pretty sure any side effects were going to outweigh any benefits for me at this time.
So, no, I'm not trying to make any statement about psyche meds being evil. I'm just saying that they might not be for me right now. And I could write up a very depressing tale about my psychiatric care when I was an adolescent. And for anyone reading this who want so get off their meds, do it under the guidance of a doctor, I did it once cold turkey and it pretty much completely fucked me up for about 6 months... possibly mildly for the long term. I just didn't feel I had the support of my doctors at the time for quitting them and I was also 19 and stupid.
About two and a half years ago I saw a regular doctor about anxiety and he gave me Lexapro (an SSRI I think) and I took it for a few days and it made me feel manic and scatterbrained and I hated it, so I stopped it. I had never had such a strong and immediate negative response to a psyche med before. I've taken nearly all of them (another long story involving some not so great doctors and diagnoses), and honestly, the thing I remember most about them is their lack of doing... anything. Sometimes they felt like sugar pills, sometimes they just gave me headaches, sometimes they made me tired for a few days, every once in a while I felt some mild relief from depression, but then it would eventually stop doing that as well. And on a couple of them the withdrawal from missing just one dose was extremely bad. There is one that I will absolutely never take again only because the withdrawal from it was so bad that it made the actual good effects of the drug not worth it (and it took me several very annoying months with lots of symptoms to get off of it).
I'm also nervous because I was on a lot of meds during some very important brain development time. And I wonder if my strong reaction to the one SSRI after being off everything for a few years has anything to do with this. Actually I wonder if it's why I sometimes feel my brain acts strangely sometimes (I get random vertigo occasionally and feel like a few things are mis-wired). Not to mention possible liver or kidney problems that can come from meds that are broken down there. I kind of wonder if I should just be done with any long term psyche meds. I was feeling pretty crappy in September... but it passed. It didn't stick around for months and months. I will probably need the occasional short-term acting anti-anxiety for many years to come, but I think that's all I want to do.
I kind of feel like; been there, done that, I'm going to try vitamins and exercise and therapy and writing now. I still want to have a psychiatrist, just in case I need one for consult, especially during any future pregnancies. I took ZERO psyche meds during my first pregnancy and I don't regret that, in fact it was a goal and I made it and I can say that I did it, but it was NOT easy, especially when wine and cigarettes are also not allowed. I want options for the next one, I at least want to be able to talk with someone who knows the latest research and can guide me through it. But I think I might make a future appointment in a few months and tell her I actually don't think I need the Welbutrin. That I was pretty sure any side effects were going to outweigh any benefits for me at this time.
So, no, I'm not trying to make any statement about psyche meds being evil. I'm just saying that they might not be for me right now. And I could write up a very depressing tale about my psychiatric care when I was an adolescent. And for anyone reading this who want so get off their meds, do it under the guidance of a doctor, I did it once cold turkey and it pretty much completely fucked me up for about 6 months... possibly mildly for the long term. I just didn't feel I had the support of my doctors at the time for quitting them and I was also 19 and stupid.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Laughing at "Schedules"
Tonight I am up at nearly one am unable to sleep, while my husband and toddler sleep. This is typical of Wednesday night/Thursday mornings. It's kind of how my schedule is right now, get up early on Saturday and Sunday, sleep in a little on Monday and Tuesday and then be unable to sleep on Wednesday night, be very tired Thursday, sleep well until Friday morning and repeat.
My husband works evenings, getting home sometime between 11 pm and 2 am if the work is really hectic. That will change soon when he switches over to being an hourly employee (long story), then he'll probably get home around 12:30 am every night.
His schedule has changed several times since our son was born. Needless to say we don't have a "normal" schedule for our toddler. Sometimes I have to laugh when I hear parents saying that their kid usually goes to bed at such and such a time but for the last few days he's been up much later and maybe it's this or that or some other thing, but how can I get him back on to his normal schedule. Being able to even think about having some kind of schedule, I have found out, is a total privilege.
If you work normal day time hours, feel lucky. When you work until midnight and you'd really prefer for your kid to sleep in a bit, you find yourself in no rush getting them to sleep. I've found myself slowly sneaking out of the house in the morning, hoping my son will sleep in a bit for his father. Nap time is typically in the early afternoon, but sometimes it's in the later morning, sometimes it's at 6 pm. And sometimes we have to wake him up from a nap to go do something, because otherwise we'd be completely trapped by nap time and not be able to do needed things. Every once in a while, there is no nap and he crashes at 7 pm. Bedtime is as late as 11:30 pm and as early as 8 pm, averaging about 9:30 pm. Wake up is anywhere between 7 am and 9:30 am.
One good thing is that it makes us much more inclined to think any deviating from a pattern as being normal. "Of course he was up so late and barely napped, we lead crazy lives, he's fine. He sleeps when he's tired." I've really never asked for help with sleep because I've just come to accept that in our situation, it's going to be messy. This leads to less anxiety over all with sleep and naps, something I feel proud of.
Don't get me wrong, if we both worked at 8 am 5 days a week, he would have a bedtime and we would be all about keeping this schedule. And someday he will go to school and will need to get up at a certain time on weekdays, but for now, being unscheduled is working.
The early childhood teachers warn of over tired kids who stay up too late, but we've never really seen this. Kids get overtired when they don't get enough sleep, not just when they have later bedtimes. I have found that it's the hours that count. If I add up the amount of hours per day, he's still getting 13-15 hours a day. He's a happy little guy with lots of energy and curiosity.
People need to calm down about children's sleep schedules and realize that some families just can't make any particular schedule work, and their kids are just fine. I'm an adult and I apparently am not on any type of sleeping schedule still. Why should I expect my child to be?
My husband works evenings, getting home sometime between 11 pm and 2 am if the work is really hectic. That will change soon when he switches over to being an hourly employee (long story), then he'll probably get home around 12:30 am every night.
His schedule has changed several times since our son was born. Needless to say we don't have a "normal" schedule for our toddler. Sometimes I have to laugh when I hear parents saying that their kid usually goes to bed at such and such a time but for the last few days he's been up much later and maybe it's this or that or some other thing, but how can I get him back on to his normal schedule. Being able to even think about having some kind of schedule, I have found out, is a total privilege.
If you work normal day time hours, feel lucky. When you work until midnight and you'd really prefer for your kid to sleep in a bit, you find yourself in no rush getting them to sleep. I've found myself slowly sneaking out of the house in the morning, hoping my son will sleep in a bit for his father. Nap time is typically in the early afternoon, but sometimes it's in the later morning, sometimes it's at 6 pm. And sometimes we have to wake him up from a nap to go do something, because otherwise we'd be completely trapped by nap time and not be able to do needed things. Every once in a while, there is no nap and he crashes at 7 pm. Bedtime is as late as 11:30 pm and as early as 8 pm, averaging about 9:30 pm. Wake up is anywhere between 7 am and 9:30 am.
One good thing is that it makes us much more inclined to think any deviating from a pattern as being normal. "Of course he was up so late and barely napped, we lead crazy lives, he's fine. He sleeps when he's tired." I've really never asked for help with sleep because I've just come to accept that in our situation, it's going to be messy. This leads to less anxiety over all with sleep and naps, something I feel proud of.
Don't get me wrong, if we both worked at 8 am 5 days a week, he would have a bedtime and we would be all about keeping this schedule. And someday he will go to school and will need to get up at a certain time on weekdays, but for now, being unscheduled is working.
The early childhood teachers warn of over tired kids who stay up too late, but we've never really seen this. Kids get overtired when they don't get enough sleep, not just when they have later bedtimes. I have found that it's the hours that count. If I add up the amount of hours per day, he's still getting 13-15 hours a day. He's a happy little guy with lots of energy and curiosity.
People need to calm down about children's sleep schedules and realize that some families just can't make any particular schedule work, and their kids are just fine. I'm an adult and I apparently am not on any type of sleeping schedule still. Why should I expect my child to be?
Migraines Are Shitty
So I've had migraines for a while. They haven't been bothering me much since I got pregnant over two years ago. I think breastfeeding also helps keep them away.
I used to take Inderal to prevent them, but slowly tapered off of it before trying to conceive. For whatever reason I got headaches nearly every day of the fouth month of my pregnancy and then they went away. I got a few in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy and a few post partum. I also got auras for the first time after getting pregnant and during the post partum period. In fact that would be my first warning sign. I wouldn't be able to read, everything I look directly at was a flashing blurry, squiggly line.
When I was five weeks pregnant I called my doctor's office and spoke to a nurse about the aura and told her I was about 5 weeks pregnant and then proceeded to have one of the worst conversations I've ever hadwith a nurse and ended up crying a ton after it. Basically she said, "well I don't know what the heck is going on with your headache, but if you are already 5 weeks pregnant (3 weeks after conception) you are harming your unborn baby by not already being under the care of a good OB/GYN!" Which is bullshit by the way, unless I had like some serious medical condition on top of it. So yeah, great way to make me basically not call anymore to that clinic. I almost had a homebirth over that very conversation. Hell, I was ready to have an unassisted birth in my back yard.
Anyway. I've had a few migraines in the last year and they haven't been too bad, just bad enough to be very annoying. Bad enough to make me look and act sick, but not so bad that I can't get through the day. Today was one of those days. I stayed in my bath robe until well past noon, got to my ECFE class and just sat there rubbing my head while my kid played and the other parents mostly talked. I was not interested in interaction, I barely sang along to the songs. We picked up a Papa Murphy's pizza and DQ and I laid in bed and nursed while my husband cooked the pizza. Then I did some extended couch-sitting and TV watching after dinner and am now typing up this blog. It feels better now, but not gone, not to the point where I feel good.
I imagine this is how life is like with a chronic illness. Something that someone might not notice at first, someone might even think you were faking it. Actually I've heard a few stories of people not "believing" in migraines. I kind of want to hit them really hard on the head and give them food poisoning at the same time, then they would know what a really bad migraine feels like. They are real.
In college they were the worst, and I missed quite a few activities because of them. I also had doctors that probably didn't know enough about migraines, because no one said my combo birth control might be making them worse (a very common prescription that can cause migraines!) until I switched birth control methods and they got way better. Another fun fact: combo birth control pills can drastically increase your cholesterol levels (mine were 220 on and 156 off). Again doctors old me about my high cholesterol without even mentioning that it might be the birth control causing it.
Another funny fact is when I was talking about possible things to help with my bad PMS and suspected PMDD they said they treat it with... combo birth control pills. Gee... no thanks. I think we need to come up with some other options for those of us who really can't take these hormone pills. You'd think they could have some other kind of low dose hormone pill or something! It would probably give me migraines anyway.
So I probably need to make an appointment to get a few Immitrex for when I do get migraines, because even though I can get through my day while having one, I'm not really living.
I used to take Inderal to prevent them, but slowly tapered off of it before trying to conceive. For whatever reason I got headaches nearly every day of the fouth month of my pregnancy and then they went away. I got a few in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy and a few post partum. I also got auras for the first time after getting pregnant and during the post partum period. In fact that would be my first warning sign. I wouldn't be able to read, everything I look directly at was a flashing blurry, squiggly line.
When I was five weeks pregnant I called my doctor's office and spoke to a nurse about the aura and told her I was about 5 weeks pregnant and then proceeded to have one of the worst conversations I've ever hadwith a nurse and ended up crying a ton after it. Basically she said, "well I don't know what the heck is going on with your headache, but if you are already 5 weeks pregnant (3 weeks after conception) you are harming your unborn baby by not already being under the care of a good OB/GYN!" Which is bullshit by the way, unless I had like some serious medical condition on top of it. So yeah, great way to make me basically not call anymore to that clinic. I almost had a homebirth over that very conversation. Hell, I was ready to have an unassisted birth in my back yard.
Anyway. I've had a few migraines in the last year and they haven't been too bad, just bad enough to be very annoying. Bad enough to make me look and act sick, but not so bad that I can't get through the day. Today was one of those days. I stayed in my bath robe until well past noon, got to my ECFE class and just sat there rubbing my head while my kid played and the other parents mostly talked. I was not interested in interaction, I barely sang along to the songs. We picked up a Papa Murphy's pizza and DQ and I laid in bed and nursed while my husband cooked the pizza. Then I did some extended couch-sitting and TV watching after dinner and am now typing up this blog. It feels better now, but not gone, not to the point where I feel good.
I imagine this is how life is like with a chronic illness. Something that someone might not notice at first, someone might even think you were faking it. Actually I've heard a few stories of people not "believing" in migraines. I kind of want to hit them really hard on the head and give them food poisoning at the same time, then they would know what a really bad migraine feels like. They are real.
In college they were the worst, and I missed quite a few activities because of them. I also had doctors that probably didn't know enough about migraines, because no one said my combo birth control might be making them worse (a very common prescription that can cause migraines!) until I switched birth control methods and they got way better. Another fun fact: combo birth control pills can drastically increase your cholesterol levels (mine were 220 on and 156 off). Again doctors old me about my high cholesterol without even mentioning that it might be the birth control causing it.
Another funny fact is when I was talking about possible things to help with my bad PMS and suspected PMDD they said they treat it with... combo birth control pills. Gee... no thanks. I think we need to come up with some other options for those of us who really can't take these hormone pills. You'd think they could have some other kind of low dose hormone pill or something! It would probably give me migraines anyway.
So I probably need to make an appointment to get a few Immitrex for when I do get migraines, because even though I can get through my day while having one, I'm not really living.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
You know what people need to stop getting pissed off at?
People need to stop getting pissed off at criticism from strangers over email lists.
One: It's a stranger! They don't know you, so stop taking what they say so much to heart. They might be having a stroke for all you know and just weren't themselves when they wrote that email.
Two: It's fricking email! You know how they say communication is 90% body language and intonation? You know how much you can see body language and hear intonation over email?
Three: People feel anonymous over email lists, even if they really aren't so anonymous. They are sitting nicely protected in their office or bed or coffee shop, possibly hundreds of miles from you; no risk of a fist fight. So chances are those people would never say those things to your face. If they do say them to your face, then by all means get pissed off
Four: Quite possibly now YOU are being critical of their supposed criticism. Think about it, kind of hypocritical, don't you think?
Five: It's an email list, if you ask a question or post something to it that riles people up, just take the good and leave the bad and be done with it. It's not written in stone, it's not going down on your personal record, they probably won't use it in court testimony. Please don't take it so seriously.
NOTE: I so wanted to put this as an email in one particular email list I'm subscribed to, but did not want to be privy to the shit storm that would follow, so I'm putting it here instead.
This advice also goes for facebook groups. Seriously, people, ban people if you have to and stop being so thin skinned while reading email from strangers...
Save your angst for when your mother criticizes your parenting.
One: It's a stranger! They don't know you, so stop taking what they say so much to heart. They might be having a stroke for all you know and just weren't themselves when they wrote that email.
Two: It's fricking email! You know how they say communication is 90% body language and intonation? You know how much you can see body language and hear intonation over email?
Three: People feel anonymous over email lists, even if they really aren't so anonymous. They are sitting nicely protected in their office or bed or coffee shop, possibly hundreds of miles from you; no risk of a fist fight. So chances are those people would never say those things to your face. If they do say them to your face, then by all means get pissed off
Four: Quite possibly now YOU are being critical of their supposed criticism. Think about it, kind of hypocritical, don't you think?
Five: It's an email list, if you ask a question or post something to it that riles people up, just take the good and leave the bad and be done with it. It's not written in stone, it's not going down on your personal record, they probably won't use it in court testimony. Please don't take it so seriously.
NOTE: I so wanted to put this as an email in one particular email list I'm subscribed to, but did not want to be privy to the shit storm that would follow, so I'm putting it here instead.
This advice also goes for facebook groups. Seriously, people, ban people if you have to and stop being so thin skinned while reading email from strangers...
Save your angst for when your mother criticizes your parenting.
Why Shallow Rumination?
I gotta be honest, I didn't think much about the title. I thought maybe my blog should be about musings. So I looked it up in an online dictionary and Thesaurus like we all do when we want a different word. Musings came back sounding way too deep. I'm going to be doing some musings, but they aren't going to be that deep and meditative like the dictionary told me they should be. So I changed musings to ruminations and then tacked "shallow" to it, because most of the time I don't plan on thinking that much before I write. I'm just going to write and you will hear my shallow, shallow self come through.
Too often I think too much before writing, so this is going to be different, I'm going to try to post often and just post and write stuff..... ruminations if you will. Things I notice, funny stuff my kid does, annoying things I've had to deal with. You know, a blog!
Too often I think too much before writing, so this is going to be different, I'm going to try to post often and just post and write stuff..... ruminations if you will. Things I notice, funny stuff my kid does, annoying things I've had to deal with. You know, a blog!
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