I'm struggling with two different concepts in my life that I believe in. One being: You can't control what others think, and Two: perception is everything.
Basically I can only control myself, not how others perceive me, but that also this perception is actually the only thing that matters.
And I'm having trouble trying to be OK with these two things. Somehow for the future I will figure this out and somehow be true to myself but also be better for others. I'm guessing a lot of it will be closing my mouth, but that's almost a whole other topic.
I read in a book called "The Happiness Project," that there is no love, only proofs of love. This struck me very deeply. There is NO love, only PROOFS of love. It made me realize why I hate it when I'm arguing with someone and they tell me they love me. I don't actually care how you feel, SHOW me that you love me. Having love for someone is something YOU feel internally that doesn't actually effect them in anyway. Proving your love by, say, being nice to them and doing things for them, and being supportive, and listening empathetically, and accepting them for who they are, is how they know you love them. These are the things that really matter, sorry, but how you feel inside actually doesn't do crap.
Harsh, huh? But it is so true. Don't we all have or have had that person that is an asshole to us, but then keeps telling us they love us and it makes us feel really uncomfortable. Maybe they do feel that love, but they sure aren't proving it. You have to prove it. This is why perception is everything. If someone perceives that you are mean or crabby, you ARE mean and crabby, it doesn't matter if you actually don't feel very mean or crabby.
But then I also believe that I can't control how others perceive me. I can't read minds. I can't know how you are feeling, only how I perceive you. So there is something else missing here.
I'm guessing it must be something along the lines of accepting that not everyone is going to like you and trying to change how you are perceived for those who really matter. I imagine this is what really sucks about being famous. Not everyone can like you, but everyone knows you and many of them will tell you either way. So you have some people perceiving you as being awesome and some people perceiving you have being terrible for the exact same things sometimes, and then you somehow have to hold it together and find out who you really are.
For instance on more than one occasion I have been told how judgmental I am being, even when I don't feel judgmental at all. And often I am judging corporations who care more about profit than the safety of children, or doctors who are way out of touch with statistics and new research, but people perceive this as me judging the parents who are buying the products or doing what their doctor is telling them. Even when I spell it out sometimes that I'm NOT blaming them, I am blaming blank, they are still up in arms. This is usually when I throw my hands in the air and assume that this person just needs to be angry about this or has some unresolved feelings that actually have nothing to do with what I am saying.
So am I being judgmental simply because someone is insisting that I am? Not everyone thinks that I am. But someone does. Can I even change that? Should I just not comment on anything publicly? I feel that if I stopped that it would go against who I am fundamentally. Which is someone who wants the dissemination of good information. It is amazing to me how many people hold very weird beliefs about things that they actually have very little information about. My self included.
I used to cringe when I heard of people bringing their babies to bed. As recently as just three or four years ago. Then I started contemplating having children of my own and I took parenting on like a research project/ deep look into my own intuition. I started reading books, lots of books. Some of them were awful, some were great. And the conclusion I drew was that co-sleeping actually is SAFER than crib sleeping as long as you take a few necessary precautions. Holy crap, my view did a complete 180 when I actually looked into it.
Note: a good baby book or parenting book will back up what it has to say, not just say it. It will also give you many options and won't be rigid or claim that one method works for everyone.
Anyway, I'm getting sick of people misperceiving me, and getting sick of feeling like after I say something I then have to go back and reassure everyone that they are a good parent. I've contemplated just not saying anything. "You are in charge of your feelings, stop putting words into my mouth." Or something along those lines.
But I do feel bad when someone feels I'm judging them when I'm not. I might not agree with what you are doing, or I might want to do it a different way and actually feel pretty neutral on what you are doing, and I might totally be judging your doctor who told you that it was breastfeeding that was causing the tooth decay (common, untrue thing that gets said way too much by doctors), but I'm very rarely judging you. It's just unfortunate how much bad information is out there, and how little support there is for working against this bad info. So I WANT to reassure you. Kind of. Sometimes.
I have very strong opinions on many things. I try to form my opinions on facts. Facts are not as straight forward as you would think. It's amazing how some studies will counter other studies. A huge part of my education revolved around critically analyzing scientific studies and looking for BS (but they didn't call it that). So I feel I have a better than average grasp on what good information looks like. This further solidifies my opinions unless new good info comes along.
But I have to believe that I can be opinionated without being a judgmental asshole. And even if I present some facts and you choose to not believe them or do something else, then what can I do? Live and let live is another thing I believe in. I'm NOT an evangelical. I have faith that people will find their own way. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to express my opinion. And I rarely say anything to anyone's face. It's all on facebook or my blog, which people can totally choose to ignore. Person-to-person I assume most of the time people don't want to hear it (with close friends or my husband it's a bit different). If they ask me what I am doing, or straight up ask me for my opinion, then I can talk for hours!
Some of you might not believe this, but fundamentally I see myself as a very non-judgmental person. I've spent the vast majority of my working life working with people who have serious issues, people who are sometimes shunned from society, people who are stigmatized, people who are very misunderstood, people who sometimes feel trapped in the system or like they don't belong. And my job, mostly, is to be empathetic to it all, and to normalize what they think and do, and to accept them for who they are right now, no matter how bad it looks from the outside. That's what people pay me to do. And I couldn't imagine doing much else. This is what I want to do. It's something in my core that tells me to go find those that need the most help, who feel the most lost, and tell them that they are going to be OK. That they, in fact, are fine how they are and that if they want to change, they have this power, and I will help them.
You have to be non-judgmental to do that.
So this actually doesn't really have a conclusion, I'm just really focused on feeling better and doing better and becoming a better person right now and I'm trying to figure out exactly what needs to change in order for this to work.
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